Yield to It

"Rowrrrr! Rowwrr!"

OK, there's one more growl coming yet, I've learned that.... and, there's his third growl. Three, three, always..cuz that's how he rolls.

The tinny rasp of a dinosaur's mechanical voice box wakes me up for the second time this night. I have to smile, because there is only one way that Steggy got here, right in the path of my bulldozer butt (for more on this sad subject, see March 16) in bed.... and that is via Baby Emperor.

Which means only one wondrous thing to look forward to in the morning: Baby Emperor's fuzzy curls in my face when I wake up for the day. Baby E has found his way in between my husband and me in the big bed, sometime during the night.

I don't fight the nightime intrusions on my time anymore.

Not with this third baby.

I've learned, with this last one, that it is all gone too quickly. And I learned it the sad way, through my error. The older two are now 14, and 13...the days of their fuzzy curls in my face are over. The only way I capture that now is when I sneak and grab and hold them in my arms on their way out the door, more force is required with the one who has become taller than me. These two were once the size of Baby Emperor.

I first decided to post this last week, and began work on it then. Over the weekend, I've come across so many other bloggermoms , like Motherhood in NYC, who write of time flying and fleeting and their children growing up.

A few years back, I was in the throes of the most unconquerable sadness over how the days with my little ones were flying, that I knew I had to look outside of myself for help. I did find someone professional (ack..I just hate the way that sounds, but, so be it...) to talk with, and the gems she left me with have changed my days.

I was missing the now of it all, because of the "pre-mourning" of it all. Something felt so wrong, and we figured it out together. Now, it almost makes me laugh, my sadness over it all--almost, because it was pretty sad back then, believe me. I just didn't know how to figure out what all the sadness was about. What scared me into action, into finding someone to help me, is my memory of growing up in a household with no laughter...anyone know what a house sounds like with a mom who doesn't laugh?? Pretty scarey, huh. Exactly. Makes you shiver...none of that for my kids, thank you. So, back to how mama got her groove back.

I would sit across from my "expensive friend," as I called my therapist. I'd lament the passing of the days, complete with back of the hand on the forehead, looking off mid-distance. The whole deal. Stuff they give out Academy Awards over. I'd sigh to her,

Me: "but..but...the days of toy trains are gone.."

$he: "but they're still home with you now."

Me: "but..but..it's all over, my days of fullness are all over."

$he: "but they're still home with you now."

Over time (ha! try 2 years...) I got the picture.

BUT THEY'RE STILL HOME WITH ME NOW.

What she was "saying" (finger quotes in air) since she couldn't tell me directly since insights arrived at on one's own are much more meaningful  (I'm good, aren't I?),  was that my sadness was over not living in the moment. Being with them in all the glory of their being there. At that age, at that stage, with them.

Revel in it all, it's still in your hand. Put down the dirty dish, and play trains when they ask you to play trains with them. Let that last load of the almost done laundry sit, if they ask you to shoot buckets outside. If they suddenly want to see a movie with just you, get a sitter for the little one, and go with them. Suck every minute dry, so you have no regrets, so you don't look back and say "Ugh. I could've done it so very much better than I did."

My expensive friend left me with a quote when I "graduated" (expensive translation: "gained a life skill"), and I refer to it daily: " Who forces time is pushed back by time, he who yields to it finds it on his side."

Yield, give it the right of way, let it go first, and go with it.

Stepping down off soapbox now. Thank you for coming. No need to thank me for saving you all beacoup bucks in not having to find your own Special Expensive Friend.