Our youngest, Baby Emperor aka Baby E., has just put his foot down. For the past two months, ever since I began this blog, it seems that whenever he speaks I RUN and grab one of the blog tickler notebooks I have stashed all over the house, in anticipation of ...well..blog fodder. He has noticed this.
In my defense, the boy doles it out continuously. Today, finally, he has declared his limit. After an incident this morning, he saw me running for the notebook in the laundry room. I heard him shout after me, "Don't put that in your blog, either!"
So, in all fairness, it is his turn to turn the tables today. He speaks, he dishes out the dirt, he airs the dirty laundry. Here is all the scoop that Baby E finally gets to voice. It's His Turn....buckle your seatbelts and put up the lap tray...
I swear to type the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as dictated to me by Baby E: I am his fingers.
"Mom has a crazy chocolate problem. I have to stop her from getting any in stores. Like The Chocolate Factory place here...she wanted to buy a little paper bag there for 6 dollars. She'd eat worms if they were covered in chocolate. She is crazy. Well, not really crazy, but pretty crazy.
She also likes coffee. Like another crazy problem. She always has it. 24/7. I have to stop her all the time from her friends inviting her. Well, she doesn't like tea, though. Yeah...not so crazy...but pretty crazy.
She always runs away from librarians. (whispering: Mom, can I tell the part about why?) OK. This is the part about why: cause she always has late fines cause she didn't finish the book on time and she has to finish. So she hides in the car and I have to go in the library for her. Well, see, for instance, yesterday I was walking out of the library and I happened to have a librarian walking out with me, and Mom practically stomped on the gas when she saw me walk out with the librarian. When I got in the car, I heard lots of deep breathing and like, so, ummm...she sends me in to do her dirty work.
She fights with people at the bank (whispering: can I tell the part about the bank thing?) OK. Here's the bank thing that happened yesterday. I was sitting down reading books at the bank, and all of a sudden I heard this, "Nuh-uh " "Yuh-huh" "But this is supposed to be a free bank!"
And I went over and heard mom say "what do you mean you won't put in a check cause it's from a different country??" and something like that.
She is awesome. She is funny. We laugh. She loves me. She makes me do school. I don't like the math part.
I'm done, mom. Can I please have lunch now? I really wanna have lunch now. Like really now. Like I need to...dying of starvation. dying. really dying this time. Don't make it late like you did yesterday, either."
Score. Tied.
"MOM! LUNCH!!"
WARNING: Though Jessica Bern is one of the funniest woman in the world, she is NOT for the faint of heart. Or those averse to... well, don't have the kiddies around, that's for sure.
Love that there is a library decoy! Genius. And seriously, could build a bear be anymore expensive...or pointless????
ReplyDeleteLots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com
You are a brave, brave woman to let your son write a post. I'm afraid of what my girls would blab about.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'll follow your example and let them have it.
What's the worst that could happen?
How sweet. I think my kids would just die if they knew I had put shit in my blog about them.
ReplyDeleteI suppose they will read it when I die. It's all good.
Ps who the heck is Jessie Bern?
I LOVE hearing the other side, and there always is one!! First you left the sausages burning, now you're making your son blog before lunch! ;-) You're a hoot - I loved this, and I love your little boy! (and you and I can be Bonnie and Clyde when it comes to the library fines...)
ReplyDeletePsst...Baby E, go to www.wordpress.com and start your own account/blog - make up a quirky, unique user name, send the URL to me (just click on my name above, go to my blog and hit "contact"), spy on your mom and write your blog fodder on the bottom of your feet (but don't sweat too much).
Lovely. But I have to ask... what's that contraption and how do I get one? Unless it's pedal-powered. It kind of looks pedal-powered and I'm lazy so, um... no thanks.
ReplyDeleteYour kids are definitely yours. Smart, witty and, frankly, fantastic. Good job, momma! :)
How old is Baby E again? He's funny. Must get it from his mommy. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I must now go check out Jessica Bern, because Build A Bear is the bane of my existence. My daughter thinks they're as cheap as Happy Meal toys. She has yet to learn that lesson about money.
Build a Bear seriously disturbed my children when I took them there 3 years ago to build a bear for my husband (long story). Yes, my kids were 13 and 7, too big to be scared of stuffed animals, but yet... they were pretty creeped out by the overly exuberant sales person who wanted them to each kiss the little heart that was about to be sewn in to Teddy. And no, we haven't been back!
ReplyDeleteLove this idea! My son is always telling me, "Mom? Are you going to blog about this?" i can't help it---kids are walking blog material! Thanks for the giggles!
Awesome that he asks you if he can tell the really good parts before he does!
ReplyDeleteHow very sweet, especially the part about she loves me.
ReplyDeleteI, too am a chocolate and coffee fiend! I could subside on those 2 ingredients alone.
I love that you're a librarian-hiding, bank-scrappin', chocolate eating gal. Sounds like my kind of fun.
I love Baby E. He's such a great tattler. Now, keep him away from my kid who likes to tell everything too. I don't want them exchanging ideas.
ReplyDeleteVery funny! Your son is so on to you!
ReplyDeleteThat Baby E is very eloquent. And learning so much from you *wink*. Is it about time for a Snickers bar (like the commercial)?
ReplyDeleteI will check out that comedian. I could use a good laugh.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
You are raising your children right!
ReplyDeleteI have notebooks as well! I was just jotting stuff down at the baseball game. I got busted by the hubbins.
Hey - inspiration is everywhere yes?
Baby E is a genius!What wonderful observations and he clearly has you figured out. I love that he calls you crazy.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter calls me a crazy lunatic and now asks me BEFORE we go to the library if I've paid my fines (I just don't want to pick out all these books and not be able to take them home!)
This is my favorite part:
She is awesome. She is funny. We laugh. She loves me. She makes me do school. I don't like the math part.
Pretty cool little dude. So tell the librarian to worry more about collecting from George Washington's estate than from you.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so glad my kids aren't old enough to tattle about my chocolate and caffeine addiction ... but also a little wistful, wishing they were! =>
ReplyDeletethis is HILARIOUS!!! i can picture it all!
ReplyDeleteLOVVVVVE this!! I am scared to death what mine would dictate with me...I'm sure it would probably be something VERY similar! xo
ReplyDeleteJessica Bern is HILARIOUS. However, I think she hates me now because I was mean to her when she talked about depression. WHAT? I know. I'm thinking about not commenting altogether on people's blogs. The other day I told a complete stranger to buy new undies.
ReplyDeleteI have problems. I think people can read my teasing tone. I assumed Jessica could take it, but she hasn't posted since...and she won't return my calls.
You are hilarious too, but in a family friendly way.
I just stopped going to the library altogether, but sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if the library is going to send me to collections for the 75 cents I owe them.
I'm with you on the librarian thing.
ReplyDeleteokay, that was crazy funny! i love this kid! almost as much as i love you. and i also hide from librarians--i can't even go in right now because i owe so much.
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! I too am addicted to coffee and I would totally eat worms covered in choclate! Ahhh...chocolate covered esspreso beans....damn...I want some now....
ReplyDeleteAaaaand I duck in and out of the library for the same reason! I was so stinkin' excited when they isntalled self checkout stands. I don't even have to talk to the librarian and I can totally ignore the warning message that says I need to see the circulation desk to pay my fine!
omg i can never let ava know i have a blog.
ReplyDeleteand you can make kids do things you don't want to?? i knew there was a reason i had this baby...
and he is utterly adorable - my god he's an angel woman!
Baby E has his groove on today! Did you two celebrate Cinco de Mayo with some tequila for breakfast or what?
ReplyDeleteI think this boy needs a blog!! Loved it!
ReplyDeleteI love how he says that you have a crazy chocolate problem. Me too.
ReplyDeleteHmmm? You have opened up a whole new world of blogging options to me? A day for each member of the family. I'm not sure if I would be brave enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, Yes a good camera will change your blogging life. I have no idea what I'm doing, I took a 15 min tutorial from a friend and away I went. Thanks for all the lovely, friendly, funny comments.
Dana
This is the funniest and sweetest thing I have read all week. He needs his own blog. I'd read and promote it.
ReplyDeleteMy boys have started pre-warning me not to put stuff about them in my blog. It's very strange when they do it.
Thanks, everyone! Baby E really had fun doing this. It was so great to see him smile. He sat next to me and spoke, and saw that I typed in exactly what he said.
ReplyDeleteHe's got blog fever now. He wants his own blog. I think we'll do it.
Updates: paid the dang library fine today. Bank still won't let me deposit the ding dong check. Still living on the big 3: tylenol, coffee, and chocolate.
And Baby E got lunch right after that post.
Hello Baby E. That was an awesome post. I loved reading it. That's two crazy things, one yell and a run. Good job!:)
ReplyDeleteBaby E should get his own blog...
Have a good day guys!
Funny how people are concerned with what their kids might write ... doesn't everyone just assume that they are telling all your secrets to everyone who will listen anyway ??? Okay ... well maybe that's just me :))
ReplyDeleteLove this post !!!
Hmm...this could be one of those meme things I keep hearing about- 'words from the worms' (not covered in choc, of course, because no words would can come from eaten worms)
ReplyDeleteGigi from Kludgy Mom suggested I read you and I'm glad she did ;) This was such a good read. My daughter is only 5 and so far, she only tells on me through her snotty behavior. Can't wait till she can tell the world about all my other dirty secrets! It's really true what they say, kids take everything- your energy, your food, your clean home, your time, and your privacy.
Woot! Let's hear it for the children!
This is brilliance, what a great read!
ReplyDeleteOh...to see things through a kid's eye! I love the part about the librarians and the funny things you won't share!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great deal of fun. "Out of the mouths of babes...." I hope you are having a great day. Blessings...Mary
ReplyDeleteI think your son is onto something.... he may just start a blog of his own with you as the subject! A great sense of humor!
ReplyDeleteHe is already a blogger in the making and I'm a ready follower.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful.
I wish I could record every little thing my daughter says that makes me laugh too. I just love the "talking stage" until they say No more than any other word. :)
I've never heard of Jessica Bern before. I'll have to go check her out. Hopefully I won't get slapped this time. :P
ReplyDeleteOoooh. Those librarians. A parent is supposed to be able to finish a book in two weeks? Give me a break. Figures they're the ones yelling the loudest about illiteracy. And it's no minor coincidence that "fine" and the other f-word have the same number of letters.
ReplyDeleteAwwww....how can you possibly have a better mother's day gift than all that sweetness from your baby?
ReplyDeleteI thought for sure kids are good for blog fodder...no?
OMG..I loved this..hearing how he sees you through his eyes and words...great post..great idea..he is very intuitive and smart....!
ReplyDeleteOMG - Should I be afraid that my son knows I have a blog???
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, thanks so much for adding me to your blogroll! So strange, though, that it says Amber and my name is Heather - and it's linked to an old post and Amber is was the last one to comment. Maybe you have to just adjust the url for the feed? Weird.
I'd say that child really likes you.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! I adore your son! that was so great especially asking permission to talk about the library and bank. Your newest follower...er subject.
ReplyDelete-Kerry
I totally was thinking that you made up that saying of "Build a bear and then try to pay your mortgage." Cuz that's funny. I must check this Jessica out!
ReplyDeleteYou've only been blogging for 2 months? You're doing exceptionally well, and look how popular you are already.
I get the "don't put this in your blog" whine or threat all the time. Maybe I'll have to start having my own kids guest post.
ReplyDeleteEmperor E, You are one fantastic kid. Keep up the blogging!
I LOVE this kid! I have a crazy coffee, tea, and chocolate problem. And you're right, Jessica totally rocks, always has me laughing my butt off! Great post...tell the little guy good job!
ReplyDeleteLOL, I LOVE that you "run from librarians." That's hysterically awesome!!
ReplyDeleteHow old is he again? I think you have a Gifted and Talented one there for sure. :) So funny!
ReplyDeleteOh, this is just TOO funny! The kid has a future as a humorist!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for a different perspective of Mom -- straight from the kid's mouth. Loved it!!
Very nice to finally give a voice to the voiceless…
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave woman.
I love the asking if he can tell the story My kid does that all the time. of course it is in front of other ppl and if i say no I sound like I did something horrible and then I fee like an idiot.
ReplyDeleteYour kid is pretty darn funny. (thank you very very much for the "promo"
He is the comedian/writer of tomorrow! He should take a bow because I'm applauding!
ReplyDeleteLaughing out LOUD!! I owe the Library money, heck, I owe them a couple books too!!
ReplyDeleteOh, if only my children had blogs. They would be busting me EVERY day. This was adorable!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I couldn't relate to running away from librarians. But sheesh! They're sticklers for 20 cents that I never have!
ReplyDeleteOkay, crazy lady... the FACT that you think my blog is EVEN 1% better than yours.... you are sooo crazy! Your blog is AMAZING... AMAZINGLY funny, witty, and SOOO relatable.
ReplyDeleteI'm soo happy to have found you, thanks to you posting on my blog... and I totally designed my blog from scratch and have ZERO EXPERIENCE! So, you made my day!
I'm soo following you and am sooo grateful for your kind words on my SITs day. They spoke volumes... in every sense of the word.
Oh, and HOW many months ago did you start? Meanwhile, I just started in November... I think you just started 2 months ago and LOOK HOW FAR ALONG YOU ARE! You go girl!
Cheers, Kat