In Part I, we discussed how best to communicate with your blogger.
Today's tutorial sadly touches on the all too possible and ugly reality of blogging: when things have gone too far. Part II will cover how to recognize and what to watch for, in the case of your beloved blogger having gone beyond the invisible line of "too far" in her blogging world.
CAUTION: graphic details ahead, your beloved blogger may not be ready to face many of the following tru-dats.
As with Part I, Part II is written with LOVE for your blogger in mind. This series is NOT offered as an accusatory finger wagging post to gluestick to your loved blogger's forehead, but as a way to LOVE and KNOW your beloved blogger.
If you are mature and loving and the bigger person in the relationship, then, please, read on, bearing in mind that what you read here may make your stomach flip in recognition. [Stay cool, there's a Part III to come.]
- Do you return home to the sound of taptaptap on a keyboard, after you've been gone with the kids for four hours so she can "get some housework done already", only to find things in the same Hoarder's episode state as whence you first left?
- Are there obvious physical changes that have taken place in your blogger, like the "blogger spread" and the "blogger 15," both centered around the mid and buttocks sections of your blogger's once more firm and exercised body?
- Do you note other undeniable physical findings that include an elevated blood pressure reading, tachycardia, and panting amid cries of "BLOGGER ATE MY COMMENTS AGAIN!"
- Are you met with a guilty downcast look and stammering when you walk in the door at night and ask your lovely blogger, "So....what did you do today?"
- Does your blogger fall asleep during any attempt to watch a movie on family movie night, or fall face down into her evening meal in a dead snore by a fatigue so severe that it can only be brought on by choosing blogging over sleep? For the third night this week. (so I've heard...)
- Are the children being told to just turn their underwear inside out and wear it that way it won't kill them, until she has a chance to get to the laundry, as she promised she would earlier in the week last Tuesday.
- Have the children been heard to complain of symptoms of light headedness and seeing dark spots swim before their eyes as their blood sugar has dropped, awaiting lunch for "just give me 5 more minutes to tweak this post a bit."
- Has there been a reduction in the Visa/Mastercard balance since online and outside shopping have fallen by the wayside. TREAD CAREFULLY HERE: your joy at the plummeting Visa bill may mask your awareness of what is truly happening: your beloved blogger no longer participating in activities that once filled her time.
- Questionable Personal Hygiene. Yes, the ugliest side of blogging. Has your blogger chosen blogging over daily basic human cleanliness. Yes, Shower Skipping. Yes, "dirty blogging." Do you have days where your beloved blogger states they just haven't "had the chance to get in the shower."
- Are mealtimes occurring at later and later times? Does your blogger enthusiastically decide that "we'll all eat European tonight, at 10 PM, won't that be fun?" Do not be astounded at these attempts at rationalization.
- Are you told to "leave a comment" if you happen to disagree on a subject?
- Have your children been heard to say, "Wow, mommy, I forgot your eyes were blue, it's been so long since I've seen them?"
- Is blogging beginning to take its toll and cause wear and tear on your blogger's body as in, your blogger needs to seek medical treatment for the all too common "blogger's pinched shoulder" and "blogger's clawhand" that now surrounds the mouse.
- In Real Life interactions with offline folk, are your blogger's conversations peppered with "OMG!", or "LOL", "hashtag mamaneedssomewine", "thanks for the shout out" and "happy friday follow!"
- Do your family's phone messages look like this: "@Tommy called" or "remember to pick up Sam, address www.1341 Linden St.com."
- Have you had "cereal for dinner " more than 3 times this week, all the while your lovely blogger reassuring you that "the kids LOVE to have cereal for dinner! Right, kids?"
- Does your blogger find it incredibly mouth agape unfathomable and refuse to believe that offline people DO NOT actually know who The Bloggess, Dooce, and The Pioneer Woman are?!
There are many more possible "red flags." These are the most commonly reported. Please realize that confrontation will result in more rationalization.
DO NOT use the words "addicted" and "out of control."
What your blogger does online is important to her. It takes time to visit, comment, post, visit back, respond to comments. Without knowing the extent of the amount of time that state of the art blogging takes, you are NOT the person to make a judgment call because you do not know how very important it is for me to get back to my commenters and I'm way behind and I don't like that feeling and this is important so I think the kids can have cereal again tonight......umm, I mean, walk a mile in a blogger's shoes. (No, THAT there was NOT rationalization....interaction is vital to one's blog).
This series on loving your blogger is prepared solely for the purpose of loving your blogger.
If I hear any complaints about this information being used against a blogger in the form of humiliation or printed format being lorded and waved over their heads in abnormally raised tones of voices, then you will not see Part III: "Re-Introducing Your Blogger Back Into Society."
Don't blow it, if you want to see Part III, tread carefully. Because the blogging world is a small world, we're a loyal bunch, and I'll know in the instant it takes to hit "Post Comment."
Do the right thing: love your blogger.
Oh my gosh you are TOO funny!!!! Blogging does take SO much more time/work than people could ever realize. It can really be a full time job, if you let it! I addictively refresh my blogger dashboard, to see if I got a new comment/follower... And doesn't it break your heart when you work so hard on a post and NOBODY comments?? Even though we ourselved don't comment on every single blog we read - or else we wouldn't have time to blog! :)
ReplyDeleteCracking up and thankful at the same time that my partner doesnt read blogs so I know for sure she won't come across this one and see ME in it...is that bad? Yes!
ReplyDeletelol. is this so funny because it is real or...smiles.
ReplyDeleteI think I am mostly safe. For now. But I'm going to start using the "leave a comment" idea when my husband gives me grief.
ReplyDeleteGuilty as charged! So true and so funny!!!
ReplyDeletethis is fan-flippin-tastic! i am loving it. i must have missed part I during my hiatus.....gotsta back up and read it so that i am fully prepared for part III ;)
ReplyDeleteDammit woman, this is why I followed you in the first place. Irreverent and crazy as a loon. I wish none of this were true ~ sadly it is.
ReplyDeleteMy love doesn't read blogs but does get terribly concerned about the glazed or maniacally look in my eyes when he comes home from work. How was my day? Um, I can't remember.
Oh yes, I can, I can relate. Love this.
ReplyDeleteLeave a comment!
ReplyDeleteThis is the first thing I've read this morning and I am crying laughing. Good stuff baby-girl! Hooooo ha funny!
I don't want to talk about the true parts. ;)
Oh my garage. Cereal for dinner? Undies inside out?
ReplyDelete"your blogging has affected me in the following ways...[is rehab next?]
Oh My Lawdy Child! I'm supposed to be packing up the car to take the girl to college, but I had to sneak in some blogs, since I didn't get to a single one yesterday. You? did not nail this. You? sledge hammered this! So perfect, perfect, perfect. We are living the same parallel life except with opposite sex children! The rest-all the same. Oh no, they're calling me. Time to step away from the blog.
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious! The Blogger 15...shudder!
ReplyDeleteUh oh. Don't show this to my husband! (The belly spread is currently affecting me big time.)
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to mention the screaming (just 10 seconds ago) at the computer for erasing a very funny comment. AND the shoes that get thrown at said computer for being so DAMN SLOW. I can't handle this. I have to sign off for the day. My blood pressure is off the charts.
ReplyDeleteJust one more little thing I have to check, though...
so funny! I have to say our credit card bills have gone down
ReplyDeleteOh this is funny...except, the truth hurts!! My husband knows whatever time of day it is he can usually find me on my laptop.
ReplyDeleteAhhh! You got us all! Totally!
ReplyDeleteLOL There are days when dh probably thinks that I don't move from my spot by the laptop from the time he leaves until he gets back home from work...but you know, it's not true. I DO have to get up to feed the kids...
ReplyDeleteYou are brilliant!
ReplyDeleteLove it! For the past two weeks, as you know, I've been MIA online, and every time I caught myself wishing for some online alone time, I rolled my eyes at myself. Here I am playing and talking with family I only see once a year, and I'm wondering how many unread posts are in my Google Reader....disturbing.
ReplyDeleteSO fantastic! ALL true. I love the "leave a comment" and "cereal for dinner"...actually I LOVE ALL of them. You're brilliant :)
ReplyDeleteToo many of these are true for my comfort.
ReplyDeleteMy obsession with getting comments and checking them is a BIT unhealthy. (consequently, THANKS for YOUR comments, i appreciate them).
Just last night a friend popped in and I was writing a "quick" post. I was sitting in the kitchen, while husband was in family room. The friend said, "Is this how you guys do it?" And husband said, "Yep, she never leaves that damn computer." OOPS! BUT, in my defense, I DO shower EVERY.SINGLE.DAY AND my kids have only had cereal for dinner ONCE! Just sayin.
Anyway, this was genius and true, loved the post!
Oh my gosh. I have like the Blogger 20! I was just thinking last night how lazy I've become. Sob.
ReplyDeleteWhen this series is complete, can you provide it in a handy, printable, pamphlet form that we can hand out to our loved ones? I would tell my family & friends to access your blog via the World Wide Web, but as their understanding of such things is half the problem, I think hard copy would be best.
ReplyDeleteOh boy! Can I relate to some of those! And I admit it...I am addicted:) Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteGood news, what you are doing is called "laissez faire parenting" and it's all the rage right now, your kids are going to be soo independent!
ReplyDeleteWell, as cold comfort for me, my body was decidedly NOT 'firm and exercised' (well, it was exercised but not firm) pre-blogging. For that, I blame the children.
ReplyDeleteHee hee!
ReplyDeleteThat's all I've got.
Way funny.
Plus also?
Snort!
Haha. I'm only guilty of, putting dinner off later and later. Haha. THis was awesome.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Am not there yet but will happen I am sure when I find myself in a new country with nothing to do but blog about it. I will be without kids!
ReplyDeleteOh thank you thank you!! As a new blogger, I know am aware of these traps and try to avoid these pitfalls!!
ReplyDeleteOMG, OMG, OMG! This is hysterical and, sadly, true! Very hard to find real life and still maintain a blog. One always suffers.
ReplyDeleteyour writing gets better every day. Blogger's goofy, tried to leave a comment before but didn't work.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm not the only one who completely ignores housework in favor of blogging...NICE!
ReplyDelete::SNORT:: love it!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy Beau asked me the other day what "PW" meant because so many of my emails to him that day had involved that...Poor Pioneer Woman has been reduced to 2 little letters.
Love it!!! Can't wait for the next installment!
I have NO IDEA WHAT you are talking about!!!!!
ReplyDelete(Note to self: Never ever let Mr. Jenners see this post. Too much information in it.)
You mean I am supposed to cook for my kids instead of blog? I think that's going way to far! LOL What a fun post!
ReplyDeleteI detect this was mildly directed at the emperor. I hope he gets the message!
ReplyDeleteOkay. I think I may have a problem. Like a serious one that I may never be able to recover from. Which is why I am going to delete my cookies and erase my search history so Dumb Dad doesn't stumble across this and try to cut me off. If that happened we'd have a SERIOUS issue. SERIOUS.
ReplyDeleteOh Lord I see myself!
ReplyDeleteI mean...I see a friend of mine here.
I'll have to email this link to her.
Yes. That's what I meant to say!
Bahahahaha!!! "hashtag mama needs some wine"
ReplyDeleteYou know me so well...just this week my husband said to me when I put the laptop down (just for second, I had to pee!) he said: "Oh good, you're finally getting off that thing!" to which I responded, 'What do you mean 'finally!'You say that like i've been on it all day!"
ReplyDeleteI am not letting him see this post. No way. No how!
You are brilliant by the way, even if I strongly resent being accused of being addicted!
:P
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the 'leave a message' when there is a disagreement and 'few more minutes while I tweak this post'. TOTALLY!
Thanks for the smile. Glad to know I'm not the only one with these 'symptoms'.
I can especially relate to that guilty look when hubs comes home to find me in the same position.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the blogger's spread.
My keyboard is yellow from turmeric because I was cooking and blogging at the same time last night.
This was so funny! I can totally relate. Blogging has completely taken over my life, and my real life friends still think I'm crazy.
ReplyDeleteI've been bloggging for about 5 months, but i'm embarrassed to say how many of these habits have already wormed their way into my daily routine.
ReplyDeleteBut it's because like you said, blogging matters to me and I want to be good at it. Truthfully, this is becoming even more of a focus for me because some BIG changes are going to be happening for me in the employment department.
So, i feel like I need to have SOMETHING that I can call my own that I can be proud of.
Sorry, to prattle on, i'm in a bit of tough place right now and your post kind of articulated some of my thoughts.
Step one, admit that you are powerless against your...blogging...habit. Step two. Find new ways to get in blogging time...You had me cracking up here, Empress. All too true, unfortunately. Not that I know anyone like you described. Who became unbelievable melancholy for a week when she lost a follower. What, don't you love me anymore??? SIGH. Can't wait for part 3.
ReplyDeletelove this! my favorite thing to say? "I'm networking." aka reading blogs.
ReplyDeleteGotta go, there's a shower with my name on it.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm laughing as I'm going....xoxoox!
I am just SO relieved to read that and know that I would never do any such thing.
ReplyDeleteNever.
Oh, shut up!
I would have loved for it to just be the blogger 15, more like 30.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think it is kind of hot when I am so busy creating that I forget to bathe or brush my teeth. Creativity is sexy, right?
Gosh, none of that sounds the least bit familiar. Are you sure you interviewed the right people . I felt so embarrassed and guilty when hubby walked by I switched to Photoshop lest he get any ideas. Thank God you forgot to add "when you children walk into the room and ask where mommy is, even when they're looking at her at her computer." That's a classic around here.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem. Really. Oh, except that cereal-for-dinner thing. And maybe Blogger Spread, but I can go for baggier clothes. And my family may be asked to leave a comment, but I have them directly go to Spam.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for the laughs....
The blogger 15....GAHHHHHH!
ReplyDeleteSadly, I fit many of those right now. Avoiding housework as I type.
ReplyDeleteOuch! The second one hurts, it's so true.
ReplyDeleteYou, my dear, are Grade-A, 'state of the art,' blogging perfection. And this post was OUTSTANDING. You are dazzlingly funny, you know. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
ReplyDelete"Leave a comment" - brilliant, stealing it, using it on my husband any minute.
This series is my favorite after the Celine post.
I'm guilty too. I have "bloggers trap" which is the same as "blogger's pinched shoulder" I imagine. A tightness from chin to right shoulder. Ouchy but worth it. And I keep climbing into bed at 1 AM saying "damn, I did it again." Not the activity I used to sacrifice sleep for in my twenties and thirties. Well, maybe that switch isn't for the best, come to think of it.
ReplyDeleteBut Empress? I really think "leave a comment" could be the next "talk to the hand"...
GUILTY! GUILTY! I must let go and let God!
ReplyDeleteLove this. Though it rings a little too true for me. ; )
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem. I can quit blogging anytime. Why'd you write this? Did you write it for me? Cuz I don't have a problem.
ReplyDeleteNo, really, I don't. It looks like I do, but I really don't.
LOL love this series, can't wait to read the third installment. I really should print this out and handed over to Mr. Husband ;)
ReplyDeleteBtw, how bout those laptop elbow? I know I have them yuck hahaha.
I need Part III. Er..my husband will need it I think, I mean. I totally don't resemble any of this post...any of it. *sniff* (Shut up..it's only been a week..K?!)
ReplyDeleteThis is great and I can totally relate! My hubby thinks I sit on the computer all day so when he is home I have to play it cool and try not to jump on too much...I sneak like a child sneaking candy or something. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteLove the funny family phone messages. When my sister and I talk blog, our hubby's just roll their eyes at one another and smile!
ReplyDeletePeople who don't blog have NO IDEA what kind of full-time job it is. Thank you for this important series of public service blogs.
ReplyDeleteI love them. And yes, I'm blogging dirty (unshowered).
Fabulously funny! (And, frightening)
ReplyDeleteSo true! I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I'll just multitask and do both.
ReplyDeleteOMG!! I'm totally stumbling this post! There's so much of it that I love and identify with. But I admit to busting out when you mentioned Gigi's "injury"!
ReplyDeleteYou've just described me (and apparently a whole lot of us!) perfectly! How embarrassing! (But funny!)
ReplyDeleteI cannot stop laughing, I am in no way addicted to blogging, I am addicted to reading other people's blogs, but not really my own...however, if I was home and online I could become this...for sure.
ReplyDeleteYOU MAKE ME GIGGLE .....:)
Hysterical!
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of "dirty blogging." So sue me.
Long time no contact! I finally got home. Anyway, you are too funny, as always. I remember those days. It can really suck you in. But thanks to your addic- err, passion - we all have something to smile about and look forward to 3, 4x a week :-)
ReplyDeleteI have been away too too long but you just brought me back...I miss those days...but theyre a coming again I can tell....we all share each and every one of these...its like the "sisterhood of the traveling bloggers or something like that...and we all get it...! Very funny ....!
ReplyDeletethis is great!
ReplyDeleteThis is Brilliant and Hysterical and I have been fighting to get back to finish it since this afternoon when I was rudely interrupted by my child expecting me to pick her up from school.
ReplyDeleteI am so tempted to leave it up on my husbands computer which I just 'sighed' him off of.
And yes I admit I was too tired to shave my legs last night and now I have to go because my shoulder hurts.
Beyond Awesome: )
I admit to cereal twice for lunch last week and only once for dinner.
ReplyDeleteI'm SO glad that my husband doesn't read your blog. (Or anyone else's, for that matter...). He might recognize the culprit for a few too many things...
ReplyDeleteso i've decided to call you my 'fairy god blogger' instead of 'blog mama.' posts like this could be why, oh wise one with a wand and sprinkles dust of wisdom on my little head.
ReplyDeleteand just about every day when i hear the husband's key in the lock and look around the living room to find that it's in utter shambles and dinner is nowhere even close to started i feel just a little bit guilty and like maybe i should pretend i'm reading the Bible online instead of blogs...
I love this post! Probably because it all sounds so familiar - dirty blogging? pinched shoulder, late dinners - yep - sounds like I may just have a problem;)
ReplyDeleteSo now I have to go and see who the two famous bloggers are that I do not recognize. I feel so out of the loop. How did you know about my life... I feel like I'm on a blogger version of Big Brother.
ReplyDeleteDana
No cereal for dinner just yet, but mostly because I could not maintain my blogger's spread with cereal.
ReplyDeleteHilarious post!
That was great! Hahaha!! I laughed out loud at the thought of someone yelling out "hash tag mama needs some wine" or "hashtagmamaneedssomewine". Hahaha!! Wow. I don't want to show this to my husband, though it is very good and he'd identify with it foshizzle. I TOTALLY gave the big laundry pile in my room the finger today so I could finish a post. Ha! And my poor children... And I need to go to sleep... You have called me out! Oh! One more thing...I left Foxy Mama award for you over at my blog (and some dessert!), if you are interested in that sort of thing!
ReplyDeleteJust started blogging and I'm already seeing some of the signs listed above. Oh no! My husband is questioning his agreement to my blogging venture. Hmm, I hope he doesn't change the password on the computer. He just might if I neglect him too much.
ReplyDeleteOh that was great...
ReplyDelete"Dirty blogging!"
I NEVER do that! NEVER!!
This was brilliant.
Hahahahaha!!! You..as always...are hysterical! Love this post...not because it applies to me but because it applies to this girl I know, ya she needs to be reading this...ahem. :o)
ReplyDeleteThis is freaking hilarious! Sorry I haven't been commenting often, I've been reading blogs through my phone and it's just too difficult to try and comment through it. I've been reading though! :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome! Fantastic! So glad I didn't miss this one. You're on a serious roll with this series, girl!
ReplyDeleteAnd my injury *is* legitimate. It nearly went away as soon as I stopped reading blogs, and this morning, as I'm back to reading blogs? Hurting again.
It took me 5 minutes to scroll to the end of the comments...sheesh woman, you are popular! So, maybe this is why I have body odor??
ReplyDeleteI am so guilty of many of these. I definitely say that is will only take 5 minutes more.
ReplyDeleteHow on EARTH do you come up with this stuff! You are too funny. It is all true! Very talented girl!
ReplyDeleteI thought I had broken my blogging addiction...After reading this I'm not so sure!
ReplyDeleteI think I've got a girl crush on you. I am in love with everything you write. Will you marry me?
ReplyDeleteShh! My secret is out! Cereal for dinner, the starving children and the 3am editing session because the colors on the template just are not right. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteToo funny, but too true!
Oh no. I have way too many of these red flags!! lol I am going to have to force myself to stay off my lap top next week on our family vacay. Hope I don`t get the shakes:)
ReplyDeleteOh boy! I really thought I could skate through the signs since I work out of the home, but DANG you busted me with the hygiene and sleep.
ReplyDeleteHA HA....these are priceless!
LOL I love it!! I think Im guilty of all of those!!
ReplyDeletethe personal hygiene questions were scary accurate.
ReplyDeleteI don't relate to those at all. Nope, not me.
ReplyDeleteEmpress, you are too much!
ReplyDelete"Are you told to "leave a comment" if you happen to disagree on a subject?"
Worse yet, are you told to fill out a Word Verification to ensure your comment is not spam.
xoxo
SS
LOOVED IT! I'm back home now, but I think I figured out how to comment. It's me, just so you know. You know who, right?
ReplyDeleteThis is freaking fabulous!
ReplyDeleteWho can blame us for fitting those symptoms when there is great stuff like this for us to read!
May my husband never see this! He will know my secret that having cereal for dinner is not just to save money.
cracking up. I think my blogger guilty of most of those things.
ReplyDeleteI can NOT imagine a more appropriate, or funnier, post. As I type I have Blogger Pinched Shoulder, we eat at 11 pm, I haven't showered in 4 days, and my kids skipped a grade since I last checked....
ReplyDeleteI find it genuinely difficult not to use a hashtag at the end of some jokes.
ReplyDelete#causeitsfunny
I hate to admit it, but I never thought of turning the undies inside out. Yet, not ashamed to admit I'll be giving it a whirl.
ReplyDeleteBlogger Pinched Shoulder? You're better than WebMD - I think that's seriously what I have. Seriously.
Oh YRH, this is simply brilliant! I went down the list and check check check check. In particular, I do choose blogging (and reading and commenting) over sleep as I am doing now, and the VISA BILL plummeting? Yup. Since I don't go out any more (except for work: Alas, we need my job for health insurance) there is no need to shop for clothing! I need to tweet the series. xxoo
ReplyDeleteFollowed you over from LBS.
ReplyDeleteToo funny! And for the record, I did know who all the bloggers were you mentioned. I'm guilty of a few of those. Yikes.
I think there should be some "blogger ethics." Namely one of our own shouldn't spill all our secrets! Some of us are getting away with neglecting all our familial duties and posts like this one jeopardize us getting found out!
ReplyDeleteAs far as my husband knows dinner is late only because I have been swamped by homeschooling the kids. He doesn't know that I keep telling them they need to develop independence and learn to work without my input. He thinks my back aches due to doing loads of laundry & not because I have been hunched over my computer reading all your blogs! (it has not yet occurred to him that the laundry basket is still full!)
These reckless posts are putting me in harms way!!!
;-)
Hi, came over from AverageGirl.
ReplyDeleteI have all of these, what do I do now?
Does admitting it take care of it?
OK, I have it. Can we move on now. It's rather unpleasant to discuss, shall we ignore , please? And thank you.
Wow! This was actually dead-on for me. As I write, my house looks like it belongs on "Hoarders", my hair hasn't been washed in 2 days, last night my kids ate at 10pm and my daughter just came downstairs and said, "You shouldn't be here. You were going to get me a frappe an hour ago! MOOMMM!!"
ReplyDeleteI need an intervention. But first, I need to check my Twitter to see if I have any new follower requests, and then I have to check Klout to see if my score has gone up in the past hour (sometimes they do, you know). Oh, and I need to check Jillsmo's blog to see if I have any new comments, so I can respond to them. And then I have to check my facebook page to see if I have any new followers.
THEN. Then I'll have an intervention.
Because that would make an AWESOME post.