 |
| Doooood--can you believe this blog???? Seriously??? |
Setting: lovely, quiet evening at home. Happy children scattered about, busying themselves. Husband glad to be home and relaxing. Mom senses all is well, and decides to sneak just a few minutes on the family computer.
Hey, honey, look at this...Blogger has this HELP page. I wonder what's on it.
Just leave it alone, Empress. I'll tell you what you need to know.
Mom, you should do what Dad says and leave it alone.
No, no. I'm not going to do anything. I just want to see what's on there. Maybe something new.
Listen, Alexandra, do you want to know something? I can show you. It's what I do. So, what do you want to do to your blog now?
Nothing, nothing. I'm just wondering why Blogger would have a HELP page if something cool wasn't on it.
Don't click on anything, or order anything, or sign up for anything. I can show you what you want to know.
No, I'm fine. I just wonder what's on there.
Well, don't stay on too long. It's late. We're all going up to bed. And don't click on anything and then come wake me up at 1 am like the house is on fire because the screen went blank and you airquotes didn't do anything.
No, I won't. I'll be up soon.
Mom, don't do anything, alright? Just don't.
Sheesh. I won't. Good night, everyone. I love you. Now, good night.
Alexandra??? You'll come up soon, right?
Yes, yes, I will. Promise.
Good. Everyone's upstairs. Now, I wonder...the HELP page. What could be on there.
Setting: next day, early a.m.
I can't wait to see what they suggest for my blog! This'll be so fun. Maybe they think I should change my colors, use more earth tones or something. Let's look...oh! an email from ElCapitan! *open*
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa???? HUH???
Dear GoodDayRegularPeople:
What is it that you hope to accomplish with your blog? What is it that you wish for us to evaluate? We have all reviewed your request to evaluate your blog and cannot understand what the purpose of your blog is. Your purpose is unclear. What do you want us to review? From what we can see, you have no main target audience, nor do you have any sort of introduction as to why you are posting.
You have outgrown your platform as is sorely evidenced by the clutter on your sidebar. The sidebar is cluttered, and it's purpose is also unclear. Are you selling advertising? Do you have advertising space for sale? The purpose of your sidebar is unclear.
You list many blogs on your sidebar.Why do you have blogs listed on your sidebar? Do you write at the blogs listed on your sidebar? The purpose of all the blogs listed on your sidebar is unclear.
From what we can see, we do not know what you are asking of us. You have crammed as many things as you can into your blog, and a first time visitor will have no inkling as to why they have been directed to your blog.
Also, who are you? From what we've read, it appears you are a rotund, rosy cheeked happy go lucky matronly woman with short curly hair. Is this how you would like to be seen? Your profile is not one of a sophisticated woman. Nor a professional businesswoman. Your blog does not appear to be one of a woman who appears to wish to advance herself.
We suggest you begin over with a sleek, sophisticated site. Clean lines with orderly columns and much less color. Please have a professional photograph taken, and placed in a more visible spot on your blog main page. Make the purpose of your website clear. What is it you offer? What are your skills? Why would someone want to be at your blog? We see no reason to be at your blog.
We are not sure if you've sent in this blog URL as a joke, or if you really are the author of this blog. If you are the author, we suggest you begin over, and study other blogs for at least 3 months before you begin again.
ElCapitan227
-------------------------
Believe it or not, this email was actually sent to me after I sent in my blog URL for a free eval on the Blogger HELP page. And, no, I did not dare show it to my husband or kids.
I laugh about it now, but can I tell you, at the time? I should've gone up to bed with the lovely family. The ones who have no trouble knowing my purpose.
OMG! Is this ElCapitan for real? Does he not realize that some people blog for enjoyment? Does every blog have to be professional, about making money? Can't a blog be good, or even great, when it's just about the pure joy of writing and reading and story-telling? Geeesh!
ReplyDeleteHere's your FREE Ethelmaepotter EVAL:
Dear GoodDayRegularPeople:
I am so happy you have directed me to your delightful blog, and I feel it is a great asset to the blogging community. Your header is fun and elegant, text easy on the eyes, and your writing superb. The sidebar is interesting and draws the eye further down the page, encouraging one to read and stay on your site just a little longer.
You have developed a style that is unique among authors; how refreshing!
Perhaps you could join our staff and evaluate the blogs of others. I shall give you your first assignment: ElCapitan227.
Ethelmaepotter
Bwahahhaaha. lol. Seriously?
ReplyDeleteThey don't get you the way the way the rest of us do....
We love you alexandria.
Leave the blog alone.
Love you!
Funny, ElCapitan227 wrote the same thing to me. He's soulless. And prolly right about mine. Mwah!
ReplyDeleteReally?
ReplyDeleteThank God I never submitted my blog!
Are you freaking kidding me? Blogger has no idea about....blogs?
ReplyDeleteThis seriously happened? I am in shock of the gall of El Capitan. So blogger does not quite get the principal of blogs and didn't notice your traffic or your following and, worst of all, did NOT appreciate your profile photo???? El Capitan is the equivalent of the heartless judge on one of those talent reality shows. Don't change a thing!!
ReplyDeleteWhat?!?
ReplyDeleteWell, guess what I won't be doing.
Your blog is just fine. Don't change a thing. Unless YOU want to.
I, for one, appreciate El Capitan's thoughts. I had no idea you were rosy-cheeked, rotund and matronly until he pointed it out.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, I will bookmark this post in case I ever think it's a good idea to get an evaluation of my blog.
And I think your blog is perfect just how it is.
Holy cow! That's a crock. Your blog IS delightful. And people never take curly-haired folk seriously. I determined I can never run for office with my naturally curly hair. Then my naturally curly hair decided it was done when I had my son. So now I can run for office! And be a serious blogger, apparently.
ReplyDeleteWell apparently all bloggers blog simply for money and not the enjoyment and friendship that it can bring about. I Love it just the way it is and tell El Captain to get some Captain Morgan's take a swig or 2 and get over himself
ReplyDeleteI'm stunned. That's what we get for outsourcing.
ReplyDeletePerhaps ElCapitan227 needs to be demoted to ElSeamen000. At least until he gets original enough to think of a name he doesn't have to add numbers to. Obviously doesn't get out of the cubicle much! I say he walks the plank!
ReplyDeleteGood thing you put in that 'believe it or not' thing, because I thought you made it up (although that would have been sorta weird and self-hating, I guess). What an asshat. "It's called 'knowing your audience', dorknut". Oh look, I've resorted to name-calling. Ah, I'm comfortable with that.
ReplyDeleteI... I... I... I honestly don't know what to say - that's freaking HILARIOUS! Also rude and mean and sad. But I'm gonna focus on the humor. Because, seriously?
ReplyDeleteI can't believe a person at Blogger sent that to you! And now I'm totally bummed I don't use blogger and can't get a letter of my own!
Man, I really love it when the person in charge just doesn't get it. NOT! But at least 600 people disagree. I say let's take him! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, you asked.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
ElCapitan227
Wow...just wow!
ReplyDeleteYour blog, my dear, is just lovely.
Maybe you could email El Capitan back and ask for a link to *his* blog and then we can all go over and say hi. ;)
Dear El Capitan.
ReplyDeleteYou. Suck.
Why, you ask? My reasoning is "unclear," you say?
Let me break it down for you. Do you see all of those blurry images in the cluttered sidebar? The ones below that unattractive, unprofessional "photograph?" Those are real people who LIKE...no...LOVE The Empress and her blog which *gasp* sells NOTHING. They are all fine with that.
Best of All Possible Days to You,
DHousemommy
YOUCH!!! Someone tell E.C. to calm down. Love your blog and all its goodness. I'd sit at your sidebar for a drink and a chat any day!
ReplyDeleteWhat. The. Hell?
ReplyDeleteI like cluttered blogs. It shows it's written by a real person. In fact, a WOMAN. We are not always clean-lined, perfect people. Why should our blogs be? I am messy and imperfect and guess what? So is my "purpose" on my blog.
Senor Captain can go edit a fashion blog or something. Get AWAY from my Empress!
Oh just ignore that. The people at Blogger are tech people, so they look at blogs through the filter of tech. And they don't know anything about mom blogs, they think blogs are to give technical info and to make money.
ReplyDeleteSilly Capitan!
no way...you made that up didnt you...seriously, gimme the guys email address i will take care of him...smiles.
ReplyDeleteoh my... can I write a letter to El Capitan about the repetitive meandering in his letter? please????
ReplyDeletebah to him - and good to know that although my blog needs some SERIOUS help - I won't be popping over to El Capitan to get it :)
Um. Wow. I feel so much better at the rejection letter one of my submitted posts got the other day. Because if someone could say all that stuff to YOU - then it makes it bearable for me to get that.
ReplyDeleteI tried that once. They complained I had no way to contact me listed on the blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet my email was clearly visible in my 'about me' box.
omg that's hilarious. HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteIt's like some sort of spoof on blog evaluations.
I sincerely hope it did not hurt your feelings.
Because it's so ludicrous you have to laugh!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, his email was a MESS.
ReplyDeleteI hope you wrote back and said:
***The purpose of your email had no purpose and was unclear. What was the purpose of your email? I don't know because it was unclear. And it lacked color. And was not in orderly columns, which is ESSENTIAL to all things on the internet.
Was your email a joke? Did you send it to me as a joke because it was a bad joke. And it was an unclear bad joke.
Please take a professional picture of a real email and shove it up your ass.***
WHAT?! I want an eval not a SMART ASS REPLY. If you wanted that, you would have stuck with the hubs "Don't touch anything," response. Duh.
ReplyDelete601 followers and over 20 comments on this post alone tells me that BlogHelpDude was wrong. You are great.
ReplyDeleteWhat? You never told me this.
ReplyDeleteSucks. You really weren't hurt, were you? I love your blog.
Candace
El capitan is clearly el asshole. He should be reported to the real blogger authorities, whoever they are!
ReplyDeleteYOU ROCK!
Ok, I confess that I am El Capitan. I had this great name where I call myself the Emperor but due to circumstances had to change it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what happens when you make a man change things he gets upset and the next thing you know he is tearing apart your blog and talking about Rotund women. Really, who does that.
Anyway, my apologies. El Capitan.
Are you serious?!? I can't believe someone at blogger is trying to be such a smart a*!@? I wonder if they are paying him. He really took a lot of time composing that long mouthy response. Must have too much time on his hands, perhaps an unclear and purposeless life.
ReplyDeleteYou, my dear, wrote a brilliant post!! It was hilarious otherwise! Like the little kid who keeps promising she won't stick her hand in the cookie jar. Or, hmm, Pandora...
Hugs!
xoxo
That email reads like it was outsourced to India - it makes no grammatical sense! Blogs are supposed to be quirky and surprising, not clean and linear. Glad you posted it so we could trash El Capitan.
ReplyDeleteCrazy eval person say wha?!! They Obviously don't recognize being awesome as a purpose- sheesh!
ReplyDeleteThat eval was harsh!!
ReplyDeleteI would even want to know what they would say about mine! I love reading your blog so there is your purpose!
ReplyDeleteI think El Capitan needs to get himself a thesaurus and use it for the word unclear. Your blog is the bee's knees!
ReplyDeleteWHAT GEEKY LOSERS! If it makes you feel better, the guy who evaluated you has probably never touched a real woman's breast. Speaking of geeks, when I first set up my Host service I chatted endlessly with the "Help" guy (I think his name was Martin) because I was absolutely clueless about the entire process. I told him that if he explained C-Panel, I would explain G-Spot.
ReplyDeleteClearly, El Capitan does not realize he was writing to her highness, The Empress.
ReplyDeleteMy question is, can he read? Does he exist? Or is this a faceless bully in the bloggy world crowd who sends form letters to those desiring constructive critism?
I'm just glad I didn't request a review from him before you did. I would have swallowed that hook, line and sinker. I am still learning.
Ceci says:
ReplyDeleteOMG. That was hysterical. No freakin' way. Only you. Only you.
Ha! Moooooooooog cracked me up. But seriously? About the earth tones?
ReplyDeleteEarth tones are for the regular people. You need more royal purple. The rest should stay exactly the same. Or maybe more so. As for El Capitan, he's a blockhead. Get it? Get it? See, El Capitan? That's the kind of crap you'd have to read if The Empress wasn't hear to funny up the joint.
Well, I better hang up blogging now then, and I just got started! OMG. lol
ReplyDeleteI thought for sure that you dressed up the letter with a little comedy. The comments about your pic are uncalled for. What a meanie-head! Boo for El Capitan!
ReplyDeleteHave you seen the TV Show called "Big Bang Theory" about all the dorky, totally out-of-touch science geeks? Not that it's a great show or anything, but your blogger eval reminds me of of the characters on that show who are so smart in their own narrow professional fields, but so totally clueless about everything else in life. Just think, though -- there are newbie bloggers out there getting nasty evals like this one, too, but they don't have a legion of subjects and admirers and followers to reassure them. I wonder how many bloggers have abandoned their blogs because of insensitive, idiotic feedback like what you received?
ReplyDeleteEl Capitan is clearly a 12 year old boy who's on restriction ever since his mother caught him in the act of phoning bomb threats into his school, so now he has to get his jollies elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with Blogger's useless help forum is anyone can "help."
And as for clean lines, clean lines are Boooring. Give me some pizazz Empress any day.
From what we can see, El Capitan, it's time for you to brush your teeth, put your cowboy jammies on and get your ass in bad, punk.
bed. I meant bed.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying all day to leave you a comment! Let's hope this one takes or I'm going to have to give up and send it via Twitter.
ReplyDeleteSo, getting criticism who doesn't understand this kind of blogging is like getting a cancer diagnosis from an accountant. He doesn't know what he's talking about in this context!
So, I hereby declare every word of said criticism invalid unless and until it is delivered by someone knowledgeable in PERSONAL blogging.
Thus saith I.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through a simple Google search. I like your blog a lot. I have a blog as well that posts free events New Yorkers can go to each day. We're a team just trying to help New Yorkers save money in any way possible.
I was wondering if you wanted to exchange links so we can spread some traffic around between each other. If you would like to, feel free to add my link to your site and leave me a comment on my site so I can do the same as well.
Thank you and keep up the good work!
Jason
Flierguy.com
Getting criticism FROM SOMEONE who doesn't understand, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt might be getting a wee bit late for me.
No. Noooo. Someone was playing a joke. It HAD to be. That's the only explanation. Maybe it's the Emperor. Messing with you?
ReplyDeleteNo. It can't be true.
Wow. Just. Wow.
I feel slightly bad because I am laughing so very hard.
ReplyDeleteElCapitan is clearly a crazy person.
Also, he has never seen a blog.
I would question if he has been online, but clearly he has because he just emailed you....or...maybe he just types the things that his pet parrot tells him to. If only you had more pirate-y things in that cluttered sidebar of yours, you would have gotten a much higher rating. snort.
ElCapitan is on a sinking ship. He clearly cannot see the talent that is on here.
ReplyDeleteToo funny.
Now I want ElCapitan to evaluate my blog! You'll find me on the help page later today. Are you sure you did nothing to embellish his letter????
ReplyDeleteNo way!! This is incredible. And by incredible, I mean incredibly stupid. What is El Capitan captain of exactly? The Moron Squad? I would be more than happy to go all kinds of gangsta boogie on this dude if you want. Just let me know. Grrrrrrrr....
ReplyDeleteGood lord.
ReplyDeleteOk, never ever ever ever sending a blog in for review.
As in never.
ACK.
Ok I am sorry but I am cracking up, is this for real? Love the last part "did you send this in as a joke"? Do they know who you are????? This is too funny and sorry I will not send mine to them in fear of what they might say!
ReplyDeleteI had to read all the other comments to decide whether this was a joke. OMG, this is so insensitive. Your blog is great! Did he ever think to evaluate the blog based on your audience? Clearly he's not a fan.
ReplyDeleteI almost swore in my head when I read this. So so funny, so clearly from a dude who doesn't know what he's talking about.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog.
Joey/BigTeethandClouds: no exaggeration. No one was more shocked than me with the brutality and harshness in the email. I couldn't believe he called me a rotund matron with short, curly hair and that I had obviously outgrown my blog as evident by everything I had crammed on to the sidebar.
ReplyDeleteIt was this awful. I was truly hurt. And shocked. I looked him up, he was 17 years old, and lived in India, and had his own blog.
On my way to India to, er, set things straight...
ReplyDeleteFrom what I gather from ElCapitain is this:
ReplyDeleteHe is an uppity computer tech bully with nothing nice to say. He probably has mommy issues and was more than likely picked on in grade school. He is unmarried, and lives in his overbearing mother's basement. He wishes he was Luke Skywalker and frequently attends conventions in which he feels very superior in his knowledge of wookie language. ElCapitain is around 40 and the only girl he has ever dated was a 90 year old woman named Nel when he took on a volunteer job at a nursing home. He helped to change her diaper.
I love you empress and that is all you need to know ;)
Get out of town!!!! I cannot believe they sent that. I saw in your comments who 'El Captain' is and it's obvious he has no clue how the mom blog community works or for that matter what a wonderful member of it you are.
ReplyDeleteI suppose that supports the old adage...be careful of what you ask for. And who made El Captain blogger god? El Captain should go El Put.
ReplyDeleteOMGoodness!! Thank you for the warning. I will never, ever, ever send my blog in for a blogger review. Horrid. And quite unprofessional.
ReplyDeleteObviously, they just don't get it. You have an amazingly following! Keep up the good work.
Holy @#$%& What a nasty ass. Who is this guy and who's his boss.
ReplyDeleteSheesh.
xo jj
PS I like your blog. Don't change a thing but DO give us this jerk's email. Pretty please.
You can't be serious about this. Tell me you're not serious about this. Come on, Empress, you're pulling our collective legs, aren't you?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning. I won't ever ask for that kind of help!!!
ReplyDeleteYou do know that you need to send both that "evaluation" and the comments on this post to the supervisory folks at Blogger and request a formal apology. And don't stop until you get high enough up the food chain to have someone of some significance there address this. THEY sent your blog to this kid, this is their SNAFU.
ReplyDeleteAsk them to re-evaluate their "help" system, if this is what it creates. It was clearly a completely inappropriate person to send your blog to for evaluation. You thought you were going to get thoughtful professional advice, not have your blog sent to a random techie-geek teen-boy idiot in India who has no knowlege of the personal & Mom blogosphere.
Really, Blogger, get a fucking CLUE! People such as you and I are their mainstay. I have been resisting all advice from friends to jump ship to WordPress, feeling a nostalgic loyalty for the Blogger platform as being my first bloggy home.
Now I am definitely one foot closer in that direction unless they make things right by you. NOT OK to set you up to get your feelings hurt by a stupid, abusive kid.
OK, I'm done ranting now. Everyone here is right, Mr. ElCapitanAsswipe is wrong. That is all.
Holy Crap woman! That is both hilarious and hurtful. Your in-house tech support obviously knows best. I absolutely cannot believe you received that email. CRAZY. And yes, we all know your purpose and your blog is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteEl Capitan needs some el eye pokege. I'll volunteer!
ReplyDeleteYou know what they say about arseholes. Everyone has one. He must be yours and we can take him DOWN!
---bowing to the Empress---
This made me laugh - and I hope it did for you, too! Don't take this to heart!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe they sent that...good thing El Captain hasn't seen mine! I hate it though when it comes back to "I should've listened to the males in the house" 'cuz you know we women are (almost) always right...exccept when we mess up the computer and need help! It happens to me, too!
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious on one level, and devastating on another. If I'd done that and that was my response? I may have given up on blogging and taken up my other interest, knitting.
ReplyDeleteNobody cares about how straight your scarves are.
It's like this dude just totally doesn't GET it! Your blog is a wonderful place, I feel at home there, and when it opens as a page on my laptop? I sigh happy sighs.
Take that, stupid Blogger dude.
Blogger sucks. Have you seen some of the blogs that get chosen for Blogger of Buzz? Really? Really? Why are you not Blogger of Buzz? I'll tell you why: because they'd rather select some scrapbooking blogger with 3 followers. That's why. I'm not bitter. Nope. Not me.
ReplyDeleteYou are always funny, and I know you don't need to "hear" this, but do not be defined by that email. Seriously, who sits behind the computer and comes up with these emails? I bet everybody gets the same recommendations. Except the scrapbooking bloggers. They get Blogger of Buzz.
I agree with Nichole, ask for the link to his blog.... just for tips of course, then we can all have a peek
ReplyDeleteOh Alexandra, the fact that he's 17 means a lot. At 17 he can't possibly know much about life. He's practically an infant!
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, Blogger should have blogs evaluated by a techy geek who fits the correct demographic. How can a 17 year old male evaluate your blog? It's nonsensical.
Your blog is rocking!
Thanks so much for sharing this with us, so we can laugh about his idiocy together!
This has to be a joke, right?
ReplyDeleteI don't know who ElCapitan thinks he is, but he should know that the Empress is legendary!
Hear ye, Hear ye Royal Proclamation - ElCapitan is found guilty of treason punished by beheading! Dear Empress, why would you submit yourself and the Kingdom to peasant scrutiny? You are far, far better than that. You are a rose amongst thorns, a beacon of kindness. Do I gush? Good, I intended to. *hugs* Tina at Three In The Bed
ReplyDeleteOMG! MEAN!!!! ElCapitan227 can totally suck it--how dare he speak to the Empress in that way! Don't change a thing; we love you just the way you are :)
ReplyDeletewhat a service: free pain. and the inability to have a little imagination. and see clearly what is good.
ReplyDeletefor some, it's all about following the latest fashion myth that will lead to success.
thanks for sharing this. this is disrobing for your audience, who are obviously more than just your audience. you've taken this response, which might reasonably be held by way of salad tongs only, and installed it here so perfectly.
This is crazy! I wonder if the only blogs those guys read for pleasure are ones about the latest computer gadgets.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should switch to WordPress. :)
Honest and for true?? Because I have NO clue what the heck I'm doing. Where is the captain; I must find him. Pronto!
ReplyDeleteOk...this "el capitan" needs "un golpe" to his "cabeza".
ReplyDeleteahem.
that said? What a HORRIBLE experience! I would have DIED!
It's so easy to say that this is funny and not serious...when it's not YOU!
but in reality? it's funny and hilarious. I hope you have recovered from this jerk face and his bogus evaluations.
Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at this. Thank you for the heads up to never submit my blog to blogger for an eval! :-)
ReplyDelete