I told you homeboy u can't touch this
Yeah that's how we're livin' and you know u can't touch this
Look in my eyes man u can't touch this
You know let me bust the funky lyrics u can't touch this
-----You Can't Touch This/MC Hammer
I had these harem pants. I thought I was a flygirl..no...I knew I was a freak-a-leek cutie.
I can't believe I wore them, wore them and did them right, with the flattest, pointiest, longest most wicked witch of the west shoes. Like these:
My top looked like this:
More brass than a military ball.
How my hair survived the daily crimping iron, well... I still need to sit under a heatlamp for 30 mins with a tube of VO5 dumped on it. Weekly. 30 years later and I think I've finally coaxed it back to life.
Then...THEN...I had the nerve to put these on my ears:
Oh, yes, I did.
Recognize them? Reese Witherspoon hung from them in Water For Elephants.
Do you have this visual? And, there I was, bustin' a move, arms flapping out like a chicken, popping those knees in and out, all the while swaying side to side.
I meant it when I danced to it, "Can't touch this.."
What happens to us? So confident and sure of ourselves back then, dressed up like that, and still able to sing, "Can't touch this.."
Is it life that knocks us down a few pegs? When did we start letting people other than ourselves determine our worth?
I can't tell you how it happened, but it did.
I can tell you that when "Can't Touch This" popped up on a commercial today, that I felt the old girl come back.
Maybe I'm not the old gray mare just yet.
You get one guess what I just uploaded
It's Hammer Time.
Got your flygirl right here.
****************************
I'm a tad old for them, but my boys had some. And Skidz, remember those?
ReplyDeleteIf only we had pictures of you wearing all these items.
ReplyDeleteOMG, we are of an age, you and me, my dear.
ReplyDeleteYes, I too rocked a pair of hammer pants. And you may recall a picture of me on one of my nostalgia edition Wordless Wednesdays wearing a single long dangly earcuff in 1980.
And we thought we were the shizzle didn't we?
And you know?
We were.
Oy the military jacket. Been there. LOL
ReplyDeleteoh i bet you rocked the image empress...i like the jacket...in certain circles you would still fit in with that on...
ReplyDeletein the late 80s i was in my emo goth stage...if i would have waited about 15 years i might have been cool...
I didn't do the clothes, but I had those big ass earrings. My hubs used to call them fish lures because they were obnoxiously shiny and weirdly shaped.
ReplyDeleteI think you 'can't touch this' soon after kids because 1)who has the time and 2)who has the energy?
That is quite the outfit...I always pride myself that I have never been one to jump on the fashion train so while you were wearing that... I was wearing those spandex shorts you know the black ones with the neon green or pink stripe and the matching bathing suit under it... and my hair had side wings... ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, you all make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteThe visuals, the visuals! We should do a link up "Rockin' the 80's"
I am so tweeting this. It is perfection for so many reasons.
ReplyDelete(but first I have to watch the dvd).
ReplyDeleteOy those pants.
ReplyDeleteYou know they are trying to make a comeback right?
True story. Gwen Stefani wears em like the rest of wear our "yoga" pants.
I'm afraid.
Oh my goodness, this was hilarious! I keep telling my kids that they will look back at pictures of themselves in 20 years and say, "WHAT was I thinking?!"
ReplyDeleteI've always believed that you need to start out as cocky as possible, that life will knock you donw...
ReplyDeletePearl
Ha!!!! So funny! I have SO many pointy shoes in a storage box. Pumps, boots, flats . . . They're too nice for me to toss. I keep thinking they'll come back. I have huge feet though so frankly the rounded are WAY better for me.
ReplyDeleteOh honey if you're the old grey mare I'm with ya! I had all of those things and the lace gloves to boot. I'll happily groove with you anytime...
ReplyDeleteThose pants? Are back in fashion. I swear.
ReplyDeleteThat jacket? Military was so in 5 years ago.
You pair them today, you will rock.
Visuals! Yes please!
I sort of had a pair of Hammer shorts, but no Hammer pants. I was so deprived!
ReplyDeleteWe wore the most ridiculous things! But I saved some of "the good stuff" and my daughter wears it now! Two fabulous pairs of boots and she recently wore a bikini top that was a favorite-but I warned her that 25 year old elastic and the sun could be an embarrassing combo! It survived the day but I think it's second life is over...
ReplyDeleteCant touch this? One of the best songs EVER. I liked all your fashion choices. I definitely had the shoes, I have a Kenzo harem pant suit thingie from Paris and I won't part with it. And the moths have gotten to parts of it.
ReplyDeleteI never did the military or the crumping but have an earring that's a CLOCK. With hands that move!!
LOL! It's funny to look back and see our fashion choices. I had the huge bangs in middle school. What was I thinking? All that hairspray was a fire hazard.
ReplyDeleteNice try, but I bet you ROCKED it! I dare you to look bad in anything, seriously try a potato sack and I bet it's still all good!
ReplyDeleteOh man that brings back memories of High School, I was a preppy but I still wore harem pants, and thank god I have no pics to remind me!!
ReplyDeleteokay, I did the harem pants, I did the earrings, I did lots and fucking LOTS of plastic bangles that matched my cheesy BIGASS plastic earrings, I did to FUCKING DEATH all that FLASHDANCE off-the-shoulder ripped sweatshirt shit. Wasn't much into legwarmers, though. But everything else? I. WAS. FUCKING. THERE. First girl to have a mini-skirt at my school when they came back in. First one to wear those dumb-ass tuxedo shirts.. remember those? I paired it with my mini-skirt and spent the whole school day taking "drink orders" from my hilarious friends who (rightly) thought I looked like a waitress in Vegas.
ReplyDeleteBut -- life doesn't knock us down. Life doesn't make us lose that confidence. WE DO. because we BUY INTO THE BULLSHIT ABOUT GETTING OLDER. It's some dumbass cultural thing. We age and then we start thinking we have to act and dress like old, quiet people. It's ridiculous.
Beyond mature and wise is not the same as being lame and boring and timid. Flaunting your hooters is kinda tacky at ANY age, but when you get older, you should just know a little better about what's tacky. But that doesn't mean we can't dress outrageously or be sexy or fun. Right? We gotta take these blog personalities out into the world! So many funny, fabulous people writing and commenting, and I hope to god that they're living that way off-line as well. and if not? WORK ON IT, PEOPLE!
This ain't the dress rehearsal! Go get a tattoo, dye your hair, wear crazy, impractical shoes... wear FUN earrings that aren't exactly elegant...
(or maybe this is all just me justifying myself... Hmmm... Whatever. I'm sticking with it!)
Not only can I touch this, but I do on a daily basis! Hope you do too! xo
Ps -- I think I should've previewed before publishing! I meant "Being mature and wise..." not "Beyond mature and wise..." Doh! Color me mature, wise, and impatient!
ReplyDeleteGorgeous. And stylish.
ReplyDeleteI really, really, REALLY miss pointy-toed shoes like that.
And those side buttoning shirts? Like a dentist would wear? Awesome.
I so had that outfit. Minus the earrings because I never pierced mine for fear that they would tear. So why not where studs? Who could wear only studs in the 80s? But I digress...
ReplyDeleteI have, in some ways, lost that confidence. But in others, I'm much stronger. Great post!
Love, love this! Not only did I have pointy toed shoes, I had them in white (that I wore all year round. There was a little metal piece on the pointy toe, just to emphasize the pointiness :) I believe the shoe store I bought them was called The Wild Pair.
ReplyDeleteWe all need a little Hammer Time now and then :)
It's so fun to look back and see the things that were in style. We laugh now, but back then, they were COOL!
ReplyDeletemy main problem in the 80's.....nobody wanted to touch this. i must have been too cool for school.
ReplyDeleteOkay, seriously... there's a reason those things aren't popular anymore. Hammer pants?! HOW IN THE HELL WERE THOSE EVER COOL!?! LOL!! Do you remember "2 legit 2 quit"? That was my JAM back then. Yes, yes, I did just say those words out loud. I'm not making fun of your hammer pants. I mean, maybe a little... but I once had a pair of black jean stretchy pants with lace down the sides and... wait for it... a matching jean jacket with a giant lace heart on the back.
ReplyDeleteYup. That happened.
LMAO @ "Reese Witherspoon hung from them in Like Water for Elephants." You are too awesome, Alexandra. Too cool!
Uh oh, is this what's going to happen with me and N'Sync?
ReplyDeleteJust kidding.
I was a Backstreet Boys girl.
What I wouldn't give to marvel at a photo of that image!!
ReplyDeleteI bet you ROCKED that look, pointy shoes and all!
You have the best sense of humor, Empress!
I am loving reading what was in for you all.
ReplyDeleteWe should all do a link up where we "popular then, not so much now."
Songs, dances, clothes, hair.
This makes me laugh. And Pixieblog's jean with lace insert jacket...O M G.
Mr. Hammer and Tone Loc were da bomb for me! You just got me groovin' in the kitchen and for that, I thank you :-D
ReplyDeleteI had those pants, right before the "goth" phase kicked in. The 80s were good times!!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you were fly! I had a pair of shoes just like that, but we called them, "pizza shoes," because the toe looked like a pointed slice of pizza! And yes, they were like walking in flippers!
ReplyDeleteI LOVED Hammer...I rocked out to that entire album, or cassette as it were. I am most certain my mother is grateful for Walkmans.
ReplyDeleteThank you Empress for flashback. I needed this!
So is it bad if I still love that MC Hammer song? Cuz I do. Unless it's bad...then I don't.
ReplyDeleteI? Wore a girl's tuxedo on the first day of freshman year in high school.
ReplyDeleteNo. Joke.
LOVE this, Empress.
(the Reese Witherspoon swung from these in Water for Elephants put me over the top...)
Awesome.
You did not wear those pants. I can't accept it!
ReplyDeleteMy sister had those shoes. I don't know what it was, but they were the STINKIEST shoes ever. It was horrible. Like, chemical warfare bad.
ReplyDeleteWhoa...wait...those shoes aren't in style...note to self...burn shoes
ReplyDeleteTube socks and tube tops, nuff said.
ReplyDeleteWow such a classic tune. Just makes me happy. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteEmpress, I cannot sit still and listen to that song! Ever! Makes me want to dance.
ReplyDeleteBut sadly, I was not as hip as you. I didn't have the pants.
I'll show you pictures of my Alladin pants if you show me yours? Mine were paisley. I'm not sure if that's Hammer time enough for you. But they sure were comfortable. Loved my Hammer pants. I think its time for a come back don't you?
ReplyDeleteMy hammer pants were Royal Purple.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were lying to you...
This is cracking me up!! I can't see you in those EARRINGS! I keep having visuals of Vanessa in The Cosby Show. Ha! I bet you rocked the look, though. Rocked it.
ReplyDeleteI Love That Song! What we do in our own office to perk ourselves up is nobodies business...but that cramp we get in our side: )
ReplyDeleteThose shoes are too awesome for words. Totally worth it!
Girl, you must be younger than me because the whole hammer pants thing passed me right by. Hold on while I get a big piece of cardboard for you to demonstrate your headspin on. . .
ReplyDeleteWoot woot! That song always puts a pep in my step. You can't help but dance to it. I am so proud of you for wearing those close with confidence and owning them. Maybe we all need a little of that now and then. I think you and I grew up in the same times.
ReplyDeleteWhat are you talking about? I'm wearing Hammer Pants right now! m.
ReplyDeleteSigh. I had those pants. And the matching bolero jacket. In a purple geometric print.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful that there is no photographic evidence of that fact, however!
I had a dress in my closet from forever ago and i tried it on and the shoulder pads were HUGE! Couldn't touch it! ahahaha
ReplyDeleteI am loving hearing about your 80's fashion horrors: SO funny. Yet, we were so confident.
ReplyDeleteHow'd that happen?? Dressing like a clown and still strutting out stuff.
Ah, life...
I so wanted those pants. I was never cool enough to actually have a pair. You were quite lucky!
ReplyDeleteseriously, you make me SOOOOOOOO Friggin happy!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about my 80's hair this morning and wondering if I knew now what I didn't know then would the perm have been "disposed" of....NAH!!!! it made me "ME"
this was awesome, can't touch it!!!
xoxoxo
dude. the weird thing is... i just sat and watched that video about 2 weeks ago. just because i was in the mood.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the trip down "memory lane". The things I wore and my hairstyle would embarass my children to bits! Wish I had some pictures handy - they could be real motivation for the kids to stay in line! Hee hee.
ReplyDeleteI saw Hammer in concert back in the day.... *Good times*
ReplyDeleteAnd do you still have earlobes? Hello, heavy looking earrings!
That.Was.Awesome. I'm still laughing - only cause I was there, too. Sporting my late 80's, early 90's fashion and thinking I was the shit. What DID happen? How did we lose that confidence? Or maybe we just had to have confidence to survive that era of fashion... lol!
ReplyDeleteWhat? McHammer isn't cool anymore? But his pants are, right?! I'm certain I tried a pair on the other day. Not because I was gonna buy them, calm down. Just to see how awesome I looked. And then, they were so comfy I nearly did buy them. Fortunately the voice of reason kicked in and prevented me from committing that crime!
ReplyDeleteOh jeez, I just snorted soda pop up my nose at "Reese Witherspoon hung from them in Water For Elephants." Hysterical.
ReplyDeleteI think I need to listen to "Hammer Time" about a hundred more times tonight-- I'd sure like to get that feeling back again.
Happy weekend, jj
I was never that cool, but I think. I hope. That is not our self-worth being minimized with age as much as it is a dose of humility being added for our own good. I now recognize that I am not a good dancer and have little fashion sense. That is kind of a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYou are one hot mama! I never had harem pants, but I had those shoes...and I thought I looked awesome!
ReplyDeleteThis post has inspired me to write something...hope you don't mind, but I'm going to link to you in a bit...
My stylist had a pair of pants on the other day that looked VERY SIMILAR to Hammer pants...and she is imploring me to buy a pair of shiny biking shorts. I'm 38, and this scares me a little...
ReplyDeleteI say stylist very loosely. I'm sorta broke and live in Utah, but I guess that's a different story.
Parachute pants? I had some of those...
ReplyDeleteMaybe two pairs.
Okay, three.
okay, so I know my hair is super short now, but that's a recent thing...
ReplyDeleteum, and I may or may not have been crimping my hair a few months ago when it was long enough too
um, and it may or may not have been with the same crimper I had since I was 10.
BUT, if I did do it, I can assure you I was one hot mama
wow, those are big earrings:)
ReplyDeletelate 80's? yes...I was entering the most awkward stage of my life: middle school. And these items? were what i put on myself to try to be cool.
ReplyDeletethose pictures are not pretty.
all this plus a fuzzy perm and horrible acne and gawky skinny limbs and neck.
bad memories are rushing back. bad. bad. bad.
I always wanted hammer pants...but never convinced my mom. :( I do almost miss the days of wearing ridiculous things and it being ok because no one had expectations of us.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as that old girl, lady--I think you have still have it!
Wha?? That stuff isn't what the young 'uns are wearing?
ReplyDeleteI just got that jacket! hehehe
As a 4th grader the worst thing I ever wore was a red Michael Jackson jacket...you know the one. In college, I went through a thrift store phase...I think you all know what this means. But, I thought I was cool. I thought I was. Now, I'm probably a bigger mess for not even knowing what to try, lol.
ReplyDeleteOh you are definitely NOT the old gray mare! I saw your beautiful face over at Kelley's Breakroom! I had never seen you before! You're gorgeous! But I do agree, what happens to that self-confidence we had when we were younger? I sported a hair cut just like Demi Moore did in Ghost! I can't believe I never thought twice about getting my hair chopped off, the hair I LOVED crimping! This, as usual, is a terrific post, totally hitting home...sniff...I miss my shoulder pads...
ReplyDeleteGosh, I must have only posted on here in my mind the other day. :P I meant to tell you of the Hammer pants I owned and loved (though my boyfriend found them to be great birth control). They were army green, and the pointed, loose sides had a button and buttonhole so I could fasten then in the front or back. So comfy. So very unattractive. Good times, bad fashion.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic. (My embarrassing fashion involved legwarmers and giant slouchy blouses with low-slung hip belts, also leggings under skirts and other mid-80s nightmares.) This post was like a walk down memory lane, though...thank you!
ReplyDeleteAww sweetie, Ic an just imagine you in your MC Hammer pants & your pointy toe shoes!It was probably around the same tie I was wearing my short black mini skirt, black panty hose, giant shirt with shoulder pads and a big belt and your same shoes. Oh yeah and a wall of hair,lip liner and brown lipstick..dancing to house music at some basement of a house in the harbor.LOL! "Couldn't touch that either!The thought of you in MC Hammer pants will make me smile for days. Please upload a pic!XO
ReplyDeleteFollowed you here from twitter.
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny!! I love this post.
And will subscribe now.
How did I not know about you?
Lisa