Quick. What's your Rorschach reaction to this picture of teens living in your house?
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| Does Amazon still sell No-Bite by the dozen? |
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| Keep 'em comin', ladies. Yoga class can wait. |
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| Me and Ziggy, we got this--piece of cake. |
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| Don't judge me! |
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| Wow. Who knew. This retail therapy really works. |
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| Wake me when it's over. |
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Oh...bring it! |
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| mmmkay....says here you'll be entering a self absorption phase... |
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| OK, just listen to me, only three more stories...I've been on this planet a long time and have been around the block not just once but a few times here's what worked for me why don't you try this and see what you think though it's better to just be in the moment and then you will see what works for you because to arrive at your own insights is so much more meaningful although my way is best but you have to learn by experiencing it in your own skin because we are all so wonderful and made of little rays of light and just see what I mean and watch the magic happen but you might want to do it exactly the way I did it then I'll listen to you in a minute but I'm still making a point and let me just finish because what I'm saying is really important |
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| Just do what I say. End of it. and...shhh. |
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| Hi, honey. I redecorated your room while you were at school... |
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| Rule #312: On Saturdays, from 8 am to 11 am you will... |
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| That bush rustling over there, not your imagination. |
Being the mother of teenagers, it'll happen.
It does happen. When you're playing trains on the train table, or dressing up barbies, you don't see that day ever coming.
The days creep one at a time toward it: an extra stick of deodorant on your shopping list for the first time, requests to see a dermatologist, being asked to drop them off at the mall--without you.
You can read books and still there is no preparation for the day you pull the clothes out of the dryer and find yourself folding a pair of jeans with an inseam longer than yours.
No one can get you ready for that day. But it comes, and when it does, try and remember what it's like to desperately want to fit in. Know that your teen is doing exactly what they're biologically made to do: grow independent.
Accept the fact that you will never be more uncool.
And you won't be right again until they call home from college, when they realize just how much you suddenly know.
Think of your own teen years, the pimples, how you were positive that everyone was better than you, at everything.
Be there for your teen.
Make memories while they're still home.
Find the time to talk to them, so that your only communication isn't about what they did wrong.
Decide how you want to walk into this stage of parenting, because parenting isn't static. And we will all enter this phase of it-- of being the parent of a teenager.
___________________________________________________________
I liked being a teacher of adolescents, but that's probably because I wasn't their mother.
ReplyDeleteMy therapist likens adolescence to being like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They're taken away from you at 13 and they come back when they're around 25.
As a teacher I thought they sort of started coming back to normal senior year.
That last picture is so awesome. My oldest is a preteen but it has begun. And while it is wonderful, it isn't easy...letting him grow up and into who he will be. My approach continues to be much the same except that I can't carry him anymore. :) I may need help getting thru his first date tho. Lol.
ReplyDeleteOh man I just wrote about how much sex scares me but now I can admit that teenagers in general terrify me. Except that I want my kids to be open with me and know that even if I am their uncool friend, I am their friend forever. Thanks for reminding me and thanks for the laughs. I am the one napping. I am so tired!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you had something important and poignant to say here but if you really wanted me to pay attention to the words of it all, you shouldn't have put in the Wonder Woman picture.
ReplyDeleteOh my god the Oprah inner dialogue is hysterical. Mine are 3 yrs, 1.5yrs, and due in 6 weeks. I simply can't imagine having THREE teenagers in the house at once - but I know I will (god willing). A sense of humor will be key!
ReplyDeletesome really great wisdom here empress...this can be a difficult season to navigate if we really have not built that relationship of love and respect with our kids...a little late at that point to become the disciplinarian too...
ReplyDeleteI'm going to opt out of this phase I think. Is that possible? No? Crap.
ReplyDeleteJust when I started getting cool too...
Biting my nails here with a 14 year old boy and an 11 year old girl. Most days I feel like all I really know how to do is love them. I know I am supposed to do more than that, or at least that is what Oprah and numerous bestselling books tell me. Trying not to let the stress of worrying that I am doing things wrong get in the way of all of us enjoying the ride!
ReplyDeleteI am the parent of a teen, one a year away from being a teen, and then the two younger ones who I refuse to let age.
ReplyDeleteI can't deal with that many teens let alone 3 of them being girls.
Please send help. And wine.
Oh, you all: just love them, up and down, even when they're telling you you're wrong about the alphabet.
ReplyDelete("trust me, s comes after r, trust me.."
I adore this post first because of the hilarity (wha? is that a word?) of the first half, and second because it's true. I'm gonna print it out and put it in my notebook for future reference.
ReplyDeleteOh, and Wonder Woman's waist needs to be recalibrated, that's just wrong.
My oldest is going to be 8 next month and that seems so far yet way too close.
ReplyDeleteNope. Not happening. My kid will wear feetsy jammies forever and call ice cream "arsh cream". She will NOT sullenly listen to Morrissey in her room and slam the door in my face. She will always want to play dragon with me in the kiddie pool. She will never have to face mean girls in the cafeteria. No, no no.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest is 11 and I'm already having a hard time with him. It's a daily struggle in our house. Sometimes I really wish it were possible to skip over the next few years.
ReplyDeleteAs hideous as I remember my high school years to be, acne and braces and stick straight hair, it never occurred to me that the other kids were cooler/better than me. I think it's what probably saved my life!
ReplyDeleteI'm probably one of the few who likes teenagers. Well, ok, from about 12-15. After that I want to kick them.
ReplyDeleteI like the collection of parenting philosophies you included. I think when it's my turn, I'll just wake up each morning and pull one out of a hat. Keep em guessing.
Really? Why do they have to grow up?! And yet, of course that's exactly what I want for them. It is hard to imagine right now, but when the time comes I'll be calling you for advice.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have pimples. The Oprah one was so funny, I almost slid off my chair.
ReplyDeleteMy kids actually turned the corner and are less objectionable today at not quite 14.5 than they were 6 months ago.
Even though I remember how hard it was to be a teen, I'm still having difficulty dealing with a 17 year old that asks me for advice and then does the exact opposite. I'm trying to be patient.
ReplyDelete---I'm there now. The stages are all hard...but letting go is the MOST DIFFICULT OF ALL. X
ReplyDeleteI don't think it got any easier when they became adults, either. If they don't want to hear what you have to say, they just don't answer their phone.
ReplyDeleteIf karma is real, I'm screwed when the teenage years arrive. And my mother can't wait to see it. Crap.
ReplyDelete{Oh and how fabulous did Linda Carter look in the Wonder Woman outfit? Just saying.}
Teens...we just have to remember what it was like.
ReplyDeleteOh..wait..
maybe not such a good idea...
Oh, Lord -- I can barely cope with a 10-year-old and an 8-year-old! You're going to have to add one more picture for me, Empress -- when my sons hit the teen years, I'm going to try to be all Oprah, but it will come out more like Heath Ledger as the Joker...
ReplyDeleteOh I laughed so hard the first half of this post, and positively spit out my drink reading Oprah's monologue.
ReplyDeleteI wish my mom was more like you when I was a teen. I'm bookmarking this so I can read it again in 12 years when I'm pulling my hair out.
now wrap all those characters up into one person.
ReplyDeletenah, i'm just kidding. i'll have some wine and hang out with ziggy:)
Oh my word...loving the Oprah bit. Awesomeness. Dude, definitely not looking forward to the teen years. Especially with Diva. Great post...so true. :)
ReplyDeleteMy mother went trough menopause while I went through puberty.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what my poor father went through.
Let's just say that I am petrified of my kids becoming teenagers. They are already moody and rude, especially my step-son. Lord help me when he turns 13. Crap! That is only 3 more years. WAH! I think I will need you in 3 years when I am huddled in the fetal position in the corner with a box o' wine.
ReplyDeletelove the Oprah drivel. Good good one, Empress.
ReplyDeleteLove this, Ms. Empress - can so relate. All you yet-to-be parents of teens, take it from us...they can be monsters, but you're also given these short, sharp flashes of the adults they are becoming, the ones who we'll wish will call home more and who we'll beg to come visit us. The ones who end up, after all, being our friends.
ReplyDeleteThen it's back to the monster, but you know what's percolating underneath. It's the equivalent to how babies are super cute when they sleep, so you'll put up with them when they're awake...
Well, I love this! yes yes yes to talking to them now. They are listening, they just won't let you know now. As you guys all know.
ReplyDeleteMine are adult women (25 and 29) and I cannot tell you how awesome it is to be their momma. Awesome. It gets ever so much better.
Love this and reading at the perfect time... As I take a breather from helping my teen with homework even though my help is useless because I know nothing.
ReplyDeleteThose pictures are great!! And they almost distracted me from the panicky thoughts that I am only a few years away from this.
ReplyDeleteWhen that day comes, expect panicky emails from me asking for advice, because if I can make it through those years with as much grace as you are having, I think I will be okay.
I am LOVING the phase my kids are in....now.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm trying hard to take advantage of it; to remember that this easiness won't last.
Neither the best nor the worst of their stages have been permanent. My children ebb and flow like the damn tide.
Sometimes in a good way. Often, actually. But oh, those low tides have dragged me out pretty far, on occasion.
Right now, they are 12 and 14; independent but also not completely averse to spending time with us.
Yet.
My husband and I know their enthusiasm may be fleeting. That this stage where they finish homework and want to still hang out in the same room with us is special.
They are funny and sarcastic and smart and just lovely people. (Mostly.)
Now. Please remind me of this comment six months from now when one or both of them hate me and are asking to move out.
Please.
XOXO
I LOVE how you all love Oprah..this is really great, b/c I've been sitting on an Oprah post, not sure how it'd go over..but it seems like it would.
ReplyDeleteOh, please, dear oprah, hope no lightning comes down, now that I've said that..
Please be there when my kids are teens. I have your email address. And 10 years from now, I plan to use it.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
My children have no idea that one day I will ruin their lives everyday...they think they will always love me, my son insists on it whenever I tell him there will come a day. I am not looking forward to those days at all, I just hope to remain sane in the end..
ReplyDeletecould you email this to me everyday for the next 11 years? Thanks for the great post!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest is 5 and I have bookmarked this for the future. The line about his inseams being longer than mine... I made a small noise from my gut I hadn't heard before. So hard to believe this is possible.
ReplyDeleteThis made me CRY!!!! I don't want my boys to grow up so quickly... teenagers! But time passes so quickly, doesn't it? Just like that... I'm trying to cherish every second while they're still little(ish) because they'll be teens before I know it... thanks for this post, a great reminder to enjoy each day. :)
ReplyDelete*sigh*
ReplyDeleteThe first half was hysterical!
The second half was lovely....
Excellent advice. As the mother of two teenage boys I try desperately to always remember what it was like to walk in their shoes.
ReplyDeleteI needed a few reminders about what my teen needs. Thanks Empress. Off to remind the pre teen what she's been doing right lately.
ReplyDeleteDana
Being at the train table phase myself, I seriously cannot even imagine. Scratch that. I can. And it scares the bejesus out of me. I expect I'll be calling you for advice. For real.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THIS! (I think I'm the woman cramming chocolates AND the woman with the shopping bags and I'm also sick of Oprah's God complex - will I be struck by lightening?)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of talking to your kids, tonight at dinner a retold the story of how you scared the shit out of your husband and the three of us laughed our butts off. You inadvertently helped me make a memory xoxoxo
wonderful pics..each one with its own story :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post!! I am JUST entering this phase of life with my PREteen and it is freaking me out. In what feels like a day, Jack went from running around the house naked with his little dinkle dancing in the wind, to demanding privacy at all times in a bathroom that seems to be forever occupied (I don't even want to know what's going on in there). His voice goes from Elmo to James Earl Jones within the production of a single word, and he has recently grown so tall that disciplining him requires me to climb a step stool! Coincidentally, I just posted about a recent experience in which I realize that I may not be as lame in his eyes as I think I am. If you have time, I think it will make you giggle :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hopeful that I'll never, ever have to deal with an inseam longer than my own, but the first time I grab a bra that's not my wife's out of the laundry, well, there might be tears . . . and I'm already uncool, and I relish it.
ReplyDeleteMy goal is, simply, to try to make things so that there is nothing that my kids ever feel awkward talking to me about. We'll see how that plays out over time, though.
Sigh... I remember the train table. I still have a 5 year old, but she's growing up so much faster than the boys did. Being the baby and all...
ReplyDeleteI was looking through baby photos yesterday of Justin. Where did that sweet little toddler go?
Oh, you sweet baby mamas...I DON"T want to scare you, I just want you to know that it happens.
ReplyDeleteI never imagined myself a mom of BIG kids, yet, I am.
Take care, love them, they need you so much more than they let on.
xo
Well said, Emp. I have 5 years and 241 days and 37 minutes to go.
ReplyDeleteAMEN.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
Big kids crafted from sweet little ones almost overnight.
It's almost not fair.
I totally see myself as Wonder Woman. Not in that I'm that strong. But I have equally as awesome fashion sense.
ReplyDeleteOh, the pain. I have a 14-year-old.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful-I sent it to my BFF, mother of a 16 yo girl and 13yo boy. She woke up one morning and wondered who'd taken her sweet angels and replaced them with pod people who were prone to acting like assholes :-)
ReplyDeleteI loved this. The Oprah part had me in hysterics. You are so right but those bushes rustling? Yeah...that's me: ) I have an incredible spy network. They all think I'm psychic. They all still haven't figured out they tell on each other!
ReplyDeleteMadonna takes great lengths to "stay young"...which result in her looking awful and haggard, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI am freaked out about the idea of teenagers in my house. I want mine to stay little.
ReplyDeleteSo, first I was beyond scared of birthing a baby.
ReplyDeleteI moved past that, and then became freaked out at the thought of having a person, you know, actually living and moving around INSIDE ME.
I quickly fell in love with those flutters and kicks.
One day it occurred to me that my sweet cuddlers would eventually morph into teens who hated me and everything that I stand for.
Thank goodness for the Empress and her sage advice.
Um, can I call you when it happens?
What a creatively wonderful post. I love it. And I love the message of it too. I wish that my mom had read this when I was a teen, but I'm glad I've got people like you and other social media mavens to remind of such important lessons. :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful, wonderful advice. It seems so far away, but it really is right around the corner (or already arrived) for some of us.
ReplyDeleteThe whole piece was great, but I loved the imagery of pulling out a pair of jeans from the dryer with an inseam longer than yours. That was great. And unfathomable to me still.
ReplyDeleteAs the parent of pre-schoolers I'm frightened. I can't even wrap my brain around it. I feel like I was a teenager not long ago, yet simultaneously feel great disdain to all the teenagers I see.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 16 going on 30. Her brother is 9. I have WHITE hair. Not just greying, WHITE.
ReplyDeleteBeing the parent of a teen GIRL is like the rollercoaster that never ever stops. There are the thrilling highs, the sinking in the pit of your stomach lows, please-god-slow-this-thing-down, and alot of bumpiness (my roller coaster is a woodie, thankyouverymuch).
But--and maybe this is proof of my partial insanity--I kinda dig it. Yes we have screaming fits and tears. But I think my daughter is one of the coolest people I know. I wish I had been like her--or had a friend like her--in high school. She juggles more than most adults and does it with such grace you almost forget just how hard she's working her ass off.
She's a junior. I swear she was just a babe in arms. I know we have precious little time left--her dream college is Brown University (Ivy League...I never dreamed that high)...so chances are she won't be close to home. Unless we move. Which we might. The idea of separating her from her brother is heartwrenching.
But just like my husband was raised, we've raised her so that she can one day leave.
For as much as I am a slacker mom, I think she's turning out pretty ok.
Oh, I love these comments--
ReplyDeleteYou all are such aware, well intentioned, hard loving parents.
Your teens will do fine.
You're so awesome...
I like this advice, Alexandra. And have full confidence that your kids will still consider you to be the cool mom (even if they do ask you to drop them off a few blocks from the school). You can't take any of it personally; we all did it and it wasn't because we loved our mommies any less... it's just that damn pressure to fit in. But you're right. They find their way and will consult you still because they know that mommy is always right (though they might not give you the satisfaction of hearing the words spoken aloud for some time).
ReplyDeleteI can see and feel this coming, like a BIG UGLY storm, they are soooo dramatic now. I get answers like this "But, Moooommmmmm" now, can you imagine how they wil be in 10 years??? Nah, me neither...
ReplyDeleteIloved this. You bring the funny my friend. xo
I wish all children loved their children with the full heart and open communication that you do.
ReplyDeleteIt's admirable.
LOVED the Oprah moment above :) Made me almost snort coffee out of my nose.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of a teen, you are so right on target with this post. They are grouchy, they do feel inferior, they can be difficult.
And it's our job to love them anyway. To ride it out and know that in the end, we'll have well-adjusted, loving adults who happen to be our children.
I LOVE this! First, I don't know how you managed to find all those photos. You had me laughing outloud by the time I got to Madonna. And your post was just perfect. I am going to print it out and keep it in my journal to read again in 6 years :-)
ReplyDelete