The Forbidden and The Forgotten

Yes, I did just fall to earth

Tonight, the 2011 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show aired.

There was much in the way of ridiculousness: women in giant bird wings, super hero capes with thigh high neon boots, clamshell cage ensemble thingys, and even a little something for the latinas: a 5 foot tall awkward peinilla and mantilla. There were angels, devils, tramps and thieves; all culminating in which can only be described as featured left overs from a mardi gras parade.

All this for an underwear show. A fancy underwear show vs a fancy, underwear show.

I can't help but smirk when I think of the expensive, expensive underwear that gets purchased in the hopes of a little sumpin sumpin happening.

The only sumpin sumpin that'll be happening to that gossamer barely held together by threads knitted in a moonlit forest by faeries (vs fairies) that were bred solely for the purpose of producing Victoria's Secret gauzy underthings, is that those sparkly bands of fabric will get shoved to the back of the dresser drawer.

I must finish thine corset before the first wane of the moon

Banished to The Land of The Forbidden and The Forgotten.

It's a very nice effort, one full of hopes, Mr. Victoria's Secret, that those items will be used for daily living, but the truth is that women in the real world (those that believe in the cotton crotch, weigh more than 100 pounds and walk on sidewalks in flats not on runways in heels, whilst engaging in the high risk behavior of an acetate panty panel) are not going to pay that much for underwear with seams that will take on the fragility of an overused Kleenex if you sneeze too hard.

We just won't do it.

Not when you can find some perfectly durable, comfortable, no threat to your circulation 50 to a pack Hanes Her Way at Costco for less than $3.39 each.

We know enough to resist the urge to buy what you offer us. Victoria's Secret Models are the most beautiful in the world. They're like Barbie dolls. They have figures that aren't found pushing a shopping cart full of Hamburger Helper and Lunchables at MegaMart. 

That exact same gorgeous 3 inch wide band of lingerie on a VS model, will not look that same way on me.


It will not look the same way on me and I will be sorry. And disappointed. And regret ever thinking the possibility existed I could wear that. And then I'll have to sit down and eat 12 100 calories at a pop Weight Watcher fudgesicles while watching Bridget Jones' Diary.

Models are really, really different from you and me. Stare at something pretty for too long, and the mind begins to do funny things. Like tricking ourselves into thinking, Yeah, you know, if I double up on the hot yoga and the spin classes, I could do it...

No, no you can't. The only thing you can do is the clamshell cage. So, leave the underwear made from one thousand butterfly wings to the professionals. 


Besides, Hanes has animal prints out this year!

Whoa, Nellie...is that a double reinforced stitch all cotton crotch??

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