Too many crimes of this type being committed.
On really nice women.
Today, I spotted 5 within 3 minutes. That's one sighting every 36 seconds.
Finally, this week, on someone who shops at our neighborhood grocery store.
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| Lady Poncho at the grocery store Monday |
Poncho Wearing Crimes.
I have never brought up a controversial topic on my site: but this. This is something I can no longer stand by and watch well intentioned women do to themselves.
Oh, they want this look to work; I see the hope in their eyes. It is their genuine puppy like eagerness to fashion please that has me using my blog today for the public good.
Poncho sins no mo'. Dear shrug wearing sister, take note: lest you become a victim of a carnivorous blanket. Or, worse yet: an unaware member of the dishrag wearing movement. Here is everything you need to know about the wearing of this garment that also graced the bodies of Andean beauties.
Poncho Wearing 101
1. Keep your look balanced. BIG poncho? You need slim bottoms: leggings, skinny jeans, straight lined skirts. Anything but the triple tiered Ma Ingalls.
2. Your poncho should be no shorter in length than the bottom of a properly supported breast. Otherwise you have a capelet. And that's a whole nuther story.
3. Your poncho should be no longer in length than fingertips. Also, you must be 5 ft 7 or taller. If you're shorter than that, proceed with caution. Not a bad idea to stay home and grow tonight -- you could be inches away from the cape wearing horror of impersonating a SuperHero.
4. Please wear something underneath your poncho. I know the expression is "I love them! You just throw them on!" But not every day is Lazy Sunday.
5. Life is too short to wear a beige poncho.
6. One Size Fits All does not really mean that. Learn to say no to the strangling poncho.
7. Sweatpants are not allowed under a poncho. It's an actual law.
8. When having your own poncho day, avoid gaggles/murmurs of other poncho wearing women. You don't want to look like you just stepped off a ladies' club tour bus.
9. The poncho is a fashion accessory. That being said, don't accessorize your accessory with another accessory, i.e., no big knotty pom-pommed scarves tied around your poncho wearing neck.
10. You must switch to a slim bag when you wear your poncho. Carrying an airline approved legal carry on Guess bag under your poncho will transform you into The Elephant Man.
Wearing a poncho is a decision that requires respect for the garment.
Still see it as just a cavalier fashion fad?
Tell that to this lady.
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| The Prison Poncho aka "The Great S'Cape" |
The poncho: wrestle it to the ground and stick a flag in it.
Next on SVU fashion crimes: The Jeggings Jihad
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LOL! I wear a large, brown scarfy-thing that I adore. I am short and pudgy....but in my defense, I wear jeans and a 3/4 sleeved shirt underneath and a really great purse. It's like a large pashmina....can we still be friends?
ReplyDeleteLove. Love ... And love. But, uh, I own two of them. From many moons ago. And I am only 5' 2-1/2" tall. But I try to grow! And I wear them with heels. And that is all.
ReplyDeleteI mean, and other cute things. ;)
Well, poop, if you have to be at least 5'7", that definitely counts me out... unless you count width.
ReplyDeleteI am so making sure I have an extra poncho for you next time we meet...I just know I can change your mind..
ReplyDeleteI love my ponchos.
ReplyDeleteYes. Ponchos.
They're wonderful, adorable...and when used with the proper amount of respect they deserve: can turn you into one classy looking dame.
xo
I am 5'8" and just bought a sexy little knit poncho. It is alluring and mysterious, as everyone is wondering what the heck is under there... what I'm trying to hide. I want to send you a picture. Maybe this years Christmas card I will wear a poncho. We'll see, I may have to break a rule and wear a scarf and mits with it. Because.. well. I don't want to die from Frost bite.
ReplyDeleteDana
Oh I love you so.
ReplyDeleteyou have saved women every where today empress...lol
ReplyDeleteWell most likely as you were typing this I was wearing one and getting stuck on every stinking doorknob I passed. I bought one of those ones that has arm holes instead of being open at the bottom and I caught hold of everything that I passed and got stuck. I'm quite the trendsetter.
ReplyDeleteBrian: I take my work here seriously.
ReplyDeleteA: I love you right back.
Jessica: somehow...I knew that. xo
Whenever I see women in the mall do this, I feel it's my responsibility, as a gay man, to let them know what they're doing wrong. Usually, I say something simple like: "You're not pretty enough to pull off this look."
ReplyDeleteBy the expression on their faces, I assume that they understand what I'm saying.
m.
Preach it lady. Love!
ReplyDeleteAnd the little-known rule 11: Don't ever buy a ton of fun fur yarn and ask a knitting friend to knit you up a quick poncho.
ReplyDeleteAll hilarious but "Sweatpants are not allowed under a poncho. It's an actual law." killed me.
ReplyDeleteThe poncho is indeed a rampant problem, thank you for bringing the words to light!
Hahaha! This post got funnier and MORE TRUE as you went on. From this day forth I shall use the descriptive-deliciousness that is "Ma Ingalls". I do not own a poncho, did once, and wore it correctly. You may have overlooked that said poncho wearing gals also hock their wears on Etsy and will flip a card in your direction if you so much as glance at the poncho.
ReplyDeleteMy mother loved Ponchos but she could carry them off. She once bought me one...i hated it but she made me wear it. I was 12. Haven't worn one since.
ReplyDeletePonchos ... they're not for everyone.
Thanks for you PSA (Public Service Announcement)
Please say you'll do a "go ahead, amuse me" at some point...I'm up to February but i'll put you down for a slot if you want!!!!
In one of those intimate fireside chats we have with our partners a few times in a lifetime if we're lucky and the planets align, we were discussing our teenage years. I had never felt so close to my man. We talked about things like "feelings" and "dreams for the future."
ReplyDeleteThen he mentioned his belived senior year poncho.
Cue needle scratching the record.
It was very hard to move past that point, but with hard work I was able to forgive.
Alex, I want to see some rules about the dreaded male poncho, please. I'll send you his email address.
Well said. I don't think I can get from here to poncho.
ReplyDeleteI love a nice poncho, really I do, especially on my girls. I hate the huge purse under it. Irks me almost (almost) as much as women wearing socks or stockings w/open toe shoes. And the sweatpants under the poncho...noooooooooooo!
ReplyDeleteHilarious AND helpful. YOU ARE THE BEST.
ReplyDeleteAlso, poncho + guachos = OH NO HELL NO.
Thanks for this! I needed a laugh and some fashion advice today.
XOXOXOXO
Ah, thank you for this! I am not a member of the poncho ladies club (I prefer a duster to the poncho) but I appreciate you laying out the law for the sake of humanity!
ReplyDeleteCan you tackle appropriate and inappropriate wearing of leggings next? Because that's a rampant problem at my work.
'Tis the season for all manner of frock-effrontery to begin; I fear the poncho abuse may only be the first sign.
ReplyDeleteYou have done such an important act of good for all womankind. Yes, we want to be comfortable, yes, we don't have a lot of time to get our glam on, and yes, ponchos do hide that extra 15-20 quite nicely. But NO NO NO NO NO and NO! to all the ways well-meaning women can unintentionally ruin it for the rest of us. I just bought a (frightfully expensive) gorgeous deep-teal turtleneck poncho from DVF (which, of course, I wear with the slimmest pants and a notable heel), and I need to be received as fashion by ALL! Thanks for your support in the matter.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh! which i needed today. Thanks for taking the leap and putting this important info out there :)
ReplyDelete"Not a bad idea to stay home and grow tonight."
ReplyDeleteThanks for the suggestion; this is what I'm going to do tonight.
I finally got rid of a pink delicate knit poncho that I wore happily for a couple of years (not over long skirts).
ReplyDeleteI like to wear my poncho over my Columbia winter coat. And I can get away with it, because I am over 5"7.
ReplyDeleteYou never fail to make me smile.
ReplyDeleteHaha, this was funny. The best part is, the poncho advice was actually very practical.
ReplyDeleteAs a guy, the only time I've actually worn a poncho was in Mexico. With a Sombrero and lots of tequila.
My arms would end up lost in a poncho. I need to be able to reach out and grab my three year old at all times.
ReplyDeleteOMFG!!! So true! Hahahaha!!!
ReplyDeleteI blame Jessica Simpson. If I remember correctly (and who really cares if I do) she's the one who introduced this "fad." She, Gwyneth Paltrow and Gisele Buncheon should be forced to live the rest of their days in a leper colony with only Marshmallow Fluff sandwiches to eat. Haha! Let's see who's all skinny and perfect then...I'm looking at you Gwennie!
When a poncho is done well it can look very nice, but when it's bad, it's really, really bad. I would like to try, but I'm afraid I just wouldn't do it right.
ReplyDeleteOh my! I love you. LOVE. And even if I do say so myself, I can totally rock a poncho with skinny jeans of course!
ReplyDeleteOMG, Empress. You crack me up. In my defense, my poncho is black, fingertip length, and I always wear clothing underneath. I am however 5'2. I've tried growing but to no avail. I hope you'll make an exception in my case if I adhere to all other rules in this guideline.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo I have 2 ponchos. They were gifts. Every time we go out I put one on and stare at the blob that is me in the mirror. Since I can't wear leggings, skinny jeans and refuse to sport jeggings, my normal gap boot cut jeans just aren't cutting it. So back in the box they go. Every time Siana (Girl 2) sees me pull them out she says simply "no." So between the 2 of you, and since they've never been used, into the donation box they go. I am now convinced that I am just not a poncho girl. And I'm okay with that. (from Tricia, Girl 1)
ReplyDeletePS Sorry for the 2 deleted comments, apparently I can't work this thing today ;)
I am relieved to see this poncho post being accepted with the tone of seriousness in which it was written. Poncho wearing is epidemic, and this disregard for its place in our fashion world had to be brought out in the open. Only by talking can we solve the problem.
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you, for supporting the poncho.
This is so, so funny! First, I love that you explained that too short is bad and that you'd be entering a totally different realm if you go that route. Second, I cannot wait for Jeggings Jihad!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time here and I'm rolling in laughter! LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteI made the cutoff!!!!!!!! I am 5'7". :-) And also, thank you for telling us that we need to wear something underneath. I was going to go Poncho Commmando called Ponmando... And I may ask for this for Xmas...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.michaelkors.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod14850003
"4. Please wear something underneath your poncho. I know the expression is "I love them! You just throw them on!" But not every day is Lazy Sunday."
ReplyDeleteI had no idea this was happening. Who is not wearing something under their poncho?
I genuinely hope that no sweatpants under a poncho is an actual law. Because I've got a few citizens arrests to make.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you. I stand beside you and shout NO PONCHO! NO PONCHO! And NO GAUCHOS! (Remember those?)
ReplyDeleteI luuuurrrve my poncho. It's magenta and black plaid and my mom bought it circa 1968, back when she and her sisters used to host "Dutch Maid" home fashion shows and force all of us cousins to model the goods. Whenever I wear it I have to resist the urge to flip my beret into the air, a la Mary Tyler Moore. Come to think of it, maybe that should be one of your rules too.
ReplyDeleteI, er, have a brown (aka dark beige) cable knit poncho (size S, for my petite 5'3" frame) draped across my diningroom chair, with the tag still on it...I am going to...snip off the tag and wear it!!!
ReplyDeleteLove your post and the fact that you have them in plural! To be honest, poncho wearing reminds me of my first white poncho, which I think I got from Peru (where I was born).
i have a black poncho AND I am wearing jeggings right now!!!!!!!!!! eeeeett makes my legs look super skiiiiiiinyyyyy. i love the elephant man comment. this was very fun. i love it.
ReplyDeletecandace
Wait a minute.
ReplyDeleteWhat is this "well-supported breast" of which you speak? My bras are at least five years old and from Target.
Which may be a good thing since I'm now mildly obsessed by the idea of owning a capelet.
Still, *somebody* had better write a guide to proper wearing of said garment before I go around looking like it's Lazy Sunday.
Next thing you know I'll be breaking laws and dressed in a Great S'Cape.
And we all know only Martha can pull that off. Kind of.
"Stay home and grow" made me burst out laughing. Fantastic.
ReplyDelete--So Funny!
ReplyDeleteMy son told me that only chuby girls wear ponchos.
"Are you calling me chubby?" I asked ---while chasing his ass!
Oh, Empress, one of my favorites of yours! I'm proud to say that I do not own a poncho. Seeing as how I'm a busty midget. Looking forward to the jeggings jihad!
ReplyDeleteGood thing I'm 5'10 'cause I love myself some poncho!
ReplyDeleteWhat about a poncho with gauchos?
ReplyDeleteFunny, funny.
Ha Ha! In my recent shopping expeditions I have been besieged by many a poncho. But being 5ft3 &3/4 I averted my eyes and quickly removed myself from a dangerous situation.
ReplyDeleteI do however have a vintage, circa 1971 hand knit poncho made for me when I was 6 that has also survived all 3 of my daughters beautifully and is respectfully stored away and waiting for grand daughters!
Well thank goodness I'm 5'10" or I'd have to take my tan not beige poncho back.
ReplyDeleteDo you see these comments here on ponchos? Obviously, this item of clothing strikes a memory chord in all of us.
ReplyDeleteI love me my ponchos.
"Not a bad idea to stay home and grow tonight"
ReplyDeleteThis is the story of my life.
Hilarious! I wrote a post about this very thing some time ago. The poncho is a mysterious garment. I still find it frightening.
ReplyDeletePonchos aren't just for easy access groping in a movie theater? Really? People wear them for other reasons?
ReplyDeleteThis is news to me. My sources are misinformed.
I LOVE this post.
ReplyDeleteSo funny. Esp:
Anything but the triple tiered Ma Ingalls.
and
Not a bad idea to stay home and grow tonight
This totally cracked me up! (But now I have to go return my brand-new capelet.)
ReplyDeleteIf I'm reading between the lines correctly, you're saying floor-length denim skirts are out, too?
ReplyDeletePonchos:
ReplyDeletemisunderstood
underappreciated
It's the wearer that makes it.
Such a powerful garment.
Love all of you!!
I think I'm going to go out and buy a poncho just to spite you. It will be red and purple, trimmed with pom poms, and gigantic, like an afghan with a neck opening. I will wear it with a rhinestone tiara that I have stolen from a homecoming queen, and Chanel sunglasses, just to confuse people.
ReplyDeleteDammit, Ann stole my love for triple tiered Ma Ingalls. Delicious.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I'm making it my mission to post this publically wherever a woman might go. It's more important than the Constitution and the lyrics to I Will Survive combined.
Bless you, Empress.
As a Mexican, I get the whole Poncho tradition and I'm glad someone points out the not-so-flatter look some of us can fall into.
ReplyDeleteVery funny.
bwahahahahaha!Girl,I'm a Mexican this bitch was made for my people and I hate me some panchos. Can someone tell me why the land of tiny people made these ginormous dish rags to cover up with?Oh wait, we didn't we use them to strap to our burros backs so we can ride it into the field,where that pancho doubles as body armour against the elements. I've tried the pancho but with my big chichis ( & the fact that I cant get that damn burro out of my head) I just can't do it.Not even with Leggings. Not with Jeggings. Not on a couch. Not in a pouch. NO matter what...It looks like I should be riding that burro and hocking coffee for Juan Valdez. Damn, now I want some coffee and a churro...rhymes with burro but tastes much better:)LOL XO
ReplyDeleteI'm 5'10" and I still look like an idiot in a poncho.
ReplyDeleteLol Love the advice, I am 5"6 so with a nice heel I could pull the look off...Dare I try?
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure my husband would think I'd forgotten to take my meds if I showed up in a poncho. I'm just not a poncho-wearin' gal. At least not the kind I'm thinking of. But maybe I've just been to too many craft fairs.
ReplyDeleteI may never have read any other poncho tutorials before, but I will still swear this is the best one out there. Thank you, from all of us.
ReplyDeleteThe poncho...I KNEW it had to be brought out in the open.
ReplyDeleteI mean: aren't WE ALL THINKING THIS??
Sins against the poncho DO NOT go unnoticed.
Thank you, all of you.
I can have no more love for you than I have at this moment.
ReplyDelete(Are you wearing a poncho RIGHT NOW?)
That's even better.
Hilarious, thank you for the education and advocacy :D
ReplyDeleteYou know when you hear a word many times and then your synapses twist funny and the word no longer sounds like a word anymore? No? Just me again? Well, poncho no longer sounds like a word to me. Pon-cho. Pawn-show. Nope. Still sounds wrong. In any case, if I wear one WITH jeggings, will the very fabric of the universe tear? (I am 5'5" and wearing flats.) seriously: you cracked me up multiple times.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! Someone had to say it! I can't wait to hear how you destroy the jeggings that are constantly fighting against abundant cellulite...jeggings just aren't meant for some people and I knew, once they hit the market, that they would be misused for all sorts of things.
ReplyDeleteOkay well clearly you hit a (poncho-wearing) nerve, what with all these comments. Who knew poncho feelings ran so deep? Thank you for this PPSA (poncho public service announcement): unless you live in the Andes and ride llamas professionally, there's really no reason you should wear a poncho. Get yourself a scarf or a shawl or just a freaking SWEATER, for god's sake.
ReplyDeleteHa! You're doing a major public service here. Seriously!
ReplyDelete"It's an actual law" I'm dying, laughing at this post. A REALLY good friend gave me a poncho with REALLY long fringe. She was kind of offended, but I Just.Couldn't.Do.It. I simply can't pull it off.
ReplyDeletePonchos are fantastic...we just have to learn to RESPECT.
ReplyDeleteThey're gorgeous, when done right...but with the fluff and the flounce and the hood and the fringe and the pom poms...come on.
My husband calls them blankets...with my black leggings underneath and my Frye boots...I call them sexy.
Hee! Oh you, noted. Definitely noted. :)
ReplyDeleteI am standing on my chair and yelling into the dawn here that I LOVE PONCHOS!!! Love them!
ReplyDeleteThe nuttier the better, man!
And you get bonus points if they have those big bouncing pom-poms dangling on the front.
Word.
Anna
I am LITERALLY laughing out loud!!
ReplyDeleteI've seen them in the store and thought, "WHA...???" My grandparents brought me back ponchos from Mexico when I was younger.
I could NEVER pull them off. I'm only 5 feet tall, and they just don't work on short, round people. At all.
Know what else doesn't work on short people? The dreaded fashion staple of the early nineties...OVERALLS! Oh how I longed to be able to wear overalls.
I should do a post on what short people shouldn't wear..inspired by The Empress! :)
I can't wait for Jegging Jihad. You're gonna do it for reals, right? You should.
Dear God, I just came home from clothes shopping and they are EVERYWHERE. Threatening women of all heights, fashion senses, and ages.
ReplyDeleteIn many shades of beige, to boot.
I stayed strong, A, I really did.
But they look so inviting...
Oh GAWD I agree.
ReplyDeleteI am applauding and happily cheering!
OMG I'm laughing!
ReplyDeleteIt's a very very tricky look to pull off.
Kinda like ankle socks in your heels.
Don't try this at home.