Reasons Why I Wouldn't Get Blacklisted From The PTA

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Lela Davidson became my BlogHer '11 Conference* BFF after I gave her all my Free Drink Tickets at the Aiming Low* (awesome site I write for)  party in San Diego last year. Girl wouldn't leave my side till the lights went out. Lela wrote the hilarious book with the kickin' cover you see on the side here. It's called Blacklisted From The PTA, and she is celebrating her baby's one year release this month.

I was lucky enough to hear Lela do a live reading from this master collection of her essays at the Listen To Your Mother open mic salon at BlogHer '11, where she brought a roomful of women to the desperate act of having to cross their legs, tight, from laughing so hard. I'd get the book just for the sheer hawtness of the cover, but the 62 essays inside of less than perfect mothering and wifing moments are pure gold. And since I've seen Lela in real life, I can tell you - those are her legs.

Where Lela does the job, via her hilarious you-can't-choose-just-one-favorite-essay, of telling us how to get blacklisted from the PTA along with a lot of other things to get BL'd from -- like almost by your doula, almost by your crunchy new mom's diaper bag club ... I can tell you why I'd never be blacklisted from the PTA.

Because before you can get blacklisted from the PTA, you have to first be socially acceptable enough to make it into the PTA.

Here are the top reasons why I'd never make it past the radar of the PTA powers-that-be:

#10 - I'm a 'good-enough' girl. Slap whatever sticker on whatever envelope in whatever way - good enough. Fly through that pile of 500 bulk fund raising mailers and cram them down the mailbox's slot like a teenager on red bull because the coffee house and a day without kids cannot wait.

#9 - I am not enthusiastic. I am not competitive. I am Type Z. I don't care to out-do anyone. I will not try to sell the most wrapping paper or caramel turtles or fundraiser car wash tickets. Someone else can win Top PTA Seller Lady, and I would rejoice with them.  

#8 - I use box cake mix. That won't work for the cake walk. And it's generic.

#7 -  Agendas and sticking to them make me antsy and I'd be shouting out inappropriate jokes and texting you and not taking anything seriously about 45 minutes into any meeting. Any meeting. Things get especially bad if the word *balls* comes up. (omg, dying, did you hear that? She said the third grade teacher needs more balls *snort*)

#6 - I like to make up my own procedures and can't do something the same way twice. Ask my kids' principal about the special letter that came home in my son's backpack re: school drop off protocol. Traffic sometimes just needs to be re-routed, you know, just to see if maybe it works better a different way.

#5 - I'm OK with schools showing PG movies without the P being around.

#4 - I'm not organized, I lose important things, like birth certificates. I am not the one you want to entrust with any matters like the letters written from every teacher compilation book for Mr. Luebtke's last day after teaching for 42 years -- it's just not a good idea.

#3 - I have had it up to here with the class celebratory snack items being changed to roasted cauliflower/kale/broccoli/carrots/you choose. What is wrong with a Little Debbie snack cake around 11 a.m.? Nothing, that's what.

#2 - The Christmas decorations at our house get left up until March. You do not want me on the school decorating committee. The kids will think Santa brought the Cadbury eggs.

#1 - My idea of original is the end-of-year teacher classroom gifts being one of those giant mugs filled with packets of tea, coffee, cocoa. Like the kind you see 50 of in the teacher's car trunk.

In my life, I know I'll never see what's on the other side of that PTA door. And I'll always know it's best that way, kind of like the one day I tried to work as a bank teller -- some things are best left to the pros.

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Why all the Lela Lela Lela talk here today? Because Lela Davidson, author of  Blacklisted from the PTA, is celebrating her bookaversary with all of us here! Her book is turning one and Because she’s awesome, she’s offered to give away a signed copy to a blog reader here today. *I know*

Her book is as hilarious as her trailer here:

 

Here's all you have to do to try and win Lela's book:

• Leave a comment telling why you would never make it to the PTA door, either.
• One week from today, I’ll use random.org to select a winner.
• The second week of August, Lela will ship your signed copy directly to you.

If you can’t wait that long to read Blacklisted from the PTA, you can order a copy today. Or get it for your kindle. (Did Lela really get blacklisted from the PTA? Yes she did. So, either way, I'd get the book just to find out why.)

Good luck, and here's to the lucky winner to be!
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*BlogHer: world's largest social media conference for women. Held first week in August with attendees up to 4500 in number. Last year held in San Diego, this year in NYC. 
*AimingLow: awesome humor site I write for. The funniest writers on the internet, if I do say so myself.