Dear Abby

*With special thanks to Suniverse, one of the best tweeps to follow on twitter and whose tweet today prompted this post: (I love you, Suni)

The Suniverse ‏@TheSuniverse

"I think I'm making a new friend at work. For the love of god, BE COOL PEOPLE. let's not f**k this up."

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DEAR ABBY:

Can you please tell me what is not too much when meeting a new friend? I mean I think it's a new friend, I hope so! I want her to be but don't want to scare her away like what happened with the last new temp we had in our department. That one had to leave suddenly after I made her a lunch and brought it to work for her the second day she was here. I don't know what happened, I mean, I rationalized as long as I was packing one for myself, right?

Signed,

I Think This Is The One!

DEAR ITTITO:

Hold on hold on. You what? No no no no NO. Dear desperate reader, you cannot and will not make a lunch for a total stranger again. I know, in your mind she's not a total stranger because you spent all thirteen hours away from her after work imagining her plugged into your lonely life -- but I assure you -- she is a stranger. She knows it. Your work department knows it. You need to know it. No More Lunch Making. You asked about the "what is too much." Extra Lunch I Made For You is the too much. Slow down, Nelly. Share some more face time. Like a dog senses fear, total strangers (which is what this new co-worker is) sense instability. And that scares the crap out of people.

DEAR ABBY:

Okay. I won't make lunch again. I'll just offer to buy. But can you give me some examples of what would be considered an appropriately safe gift for this new friend I'm going to have? I want to spend time with her and see her regularly.
Signed,
Still Convinced She's The One!

DEAR SCSTO:
No gift. No gift would be considered appropriately safe when you have just met someone. Dear woman, the best gift for the moment is the gift of self control you must present to yourself. You like her, I get that. You can let her know this with a smile, a chuckle at her jokes, perhaps asking her to join you for lunch or drinks after work. In this case, for the safety of everyone involved and my issues with hating the weight of responsibility, limit yourself to group outings only.

DEAR ABBY:
I think your answer means I have to take back the charm bracelet I bought her. With the broken heart halves "best friends forever." I don't want to take it back, and she already saw me wearing my half, "Be--  Frie--."
Signed,
Not Giving Up

DEAR NGU:
Think of a new signature, because NGU? You have to. If the poor target in question has spied this bangle ringing your wrist out of the corner of her eye and you now present the other half to her? Don't be surprised if she becomes the next "like that one girl that was almost my friend that I scared away again," Part II. Bracelet: take it back.

DEAR ABBY:
I think I found a newer new friend I'm going to have. Now that I think about it, that new co-worker is nowhere near as special as this new could be friend. By the way, did you know that your address is hard to find? I wanted to send you this necklace I saw that would be perfect for us to wear when we're together, but your publisher was really hedgy when I called and asked for details on how to find you, but that's okay because I think I can figure out where your office is. Pretty sure. Either way, I'll meet you in your lobby in front of the magazine kiosk, around 1ish. I'll bring lunch. I mean, it'd be silly not to, right? As long as I'm packing one for myself...

The Suniverse ‏@TheSuniverse

"OMG MY NEW WORK ALMOST-FRIEND HUGGED ME TODAY!!"

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