If you're on the internet, surf the web, send texts, update your Facebook page, use email, call on your cell phone, use a credit or debit card, watch TV, download movies, order through Netflix or pick something off Hulu, there exists the very real chance of cyber surveillance.
You don't even have to be somebody.
I listened to a program on NPR this morning on what type of information is gathered from our online interactions, and do you know what this data on us is called? Collected intelligence.
And though I know this is serious business, and we are right to demand details and origin of requests for anything on us that is done without our knowledge or consent, I have to feel sorry for anyone official who is assigned to monitor my digital discards.
Collected intelligence?
If you say so.
More like oh my gosh if I have to survey this woman one more minute I am going to stick my head in a blender. Someone, please, send help to this poor woman now. Also probably likelier I should apologize to them than them to me for, you know, the undisclosed spying.
I imagine their Captain's log on me would go like this:
-6:45 AM Subject calls school, inquiring as to whether or not this is last week of school for children, or if next week is. School promises to send school calendar to her again, via email.
-7:30AM Logs on to computer, attempt made for four minutes to clean out email, opts to log into twitter instead.
-7:45 AM - 8:55 AM *ALERT! ALERT!* Continuously bounces back from twitter to Facebook, as if she is looking for important communication. UPDATE: False alarm. Merely checking and hoping for retweets and likes.
-9:05 AM Child's school calls. Child has forgotten lunch at home, please bring. She will bring right over.
-9:20 AM Logs off computer.
-9:29 AM Logs back on computer
-10:03AM Target calls. Wondering where client is since store opened three minutes ago and she's not at door. Bags of sliced apples on sale, two for a dollar.
-10:33 AM McDonald's emails. Did she receive BOGO McCafe coupon in mail? They missed her this morning.
-10:45 AM Returns books to library. Tape receipt of overdue fines shows would have been cheaper to purchase DVDs.
-11:55 AM Child's school calls. Where is lunch? Subject promises and swears she'll bring lunch to school in two minutes.
-11:57 AM About to leave house to bring requested lunch, but runs back in to Google "Are round toed shoes still in style?" before she walks into child's school.
-12:01 PM Uses drive-thru at McDonald's for Happy Meal. Subject asks to speak to manager when drive thru clerk won't allow NonFat Iced Mocha as substitute drink with Happy Meal.
-12:03 PM Pays for $2.99 Happy Meal with debit card. Order total comes to $11.31 as subject decides she needs two NonFat Iced Mochas.
-12:12 PM Delivers lunch to school. Parks in Bus Zone Only lane. Throws bag of McDonald's to child. Child has eight minutes left to eat.
-12:25 PM Subject drops off four bags of clothing to Goodwill, completes receipt for said donation online, as husband has requested for tax keeping purposes. Decides to just have a look-see inside, returns to car with more bags of clothes than what she removed from home.
-12:59 PM Subject returns home and google searches for Dunkin' Donuts rant she saw referenced on twitter. Disgusted enough to watch it twice. Decides depressing nature of Dunkin' Donuts link is reason enough to search for "funny kitten videos."
-1:46 PM Decides to forego dishes in sink and do yoga instead. Googles RodneyYee Beach Yoga youtube. Gets distracted by 'Ron Yee Illicit Affair' headline. 30 minutes pass as well as allotted time for yoga. Only enough time for quick microwave cheese bread before school pick up.
-2:20 PM Remembers how children arrive home hungry from school. Opens refrigerator, sees three slices of deli turkey. Runs to store, buys rotisserie chicken for dinner. Feels hungry therefore determines children also feel hungry. Runs back and gets two more deli chickens. Pays with credit card. Earns a penny off a gallon of gas up to fifteen gallons due to spending history on deli chicken.
-2:30 PM Realizes husband has to be two places at same time and makes several frantic call and hang ups to husband's cell phone. Uses up what is left of air time, unable to leave message telling him only way to pick up son # 2 from swim and son #3 from soccer is to break the law. *ALERT! ALERT!Subject arranging illegal activity! UPDATE: Cancel alert, she just wants him to drive really fast.
-2:55 PM Texts teen son to apologize for being ten minutes late to pick up. Can he start walking home and she'll meet him half way? Subject sees son walking home and decides to creeper stalk from behind while texting him "This is Freddy Krueger."
-3:20 PM Teen son eventually picked up. Subject drops teen son off at gym. Goes in and pays monthly dues that are two months late. Realizes she is trying to pay with library card. Runs out to car for credit card. Pays with debit card instead. Gets home and realizes she paid with debit card. Calls gym back and asks for balance transfer to credit card not debit card. She is told change must be made in person. Rushes back to gym, stopping to drop youngest son at soccer on way to dropping middle son at swim on way to pick up oldest son from gym on way to pay gym fees with credit card. Chicken for dinner from this afternoon's stop at grocery store is botulising in trunk.
-3:39 PM Does google search "Chicken. Death. Children. How long."
*NOTE TO INFORMATION RECORDER: Suggest we terminate surveillance at this point. Data gathering resulting in unusual amount of recording material, labor, and time required for documentation. Subject's activities of no sound interest to anyone and appear to be without importance to any organization.
"...internet companies such as google, facebook, and yahoo are taking what they learn from search requests, such as Like buttons and using it to analyze a browser's preferences, tailoring ads and suggestions to their interests. Web surfing, tracking devices on mobile phones, companies defend this data mining as a consumer benefit." ~ Edmonton Journal
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Have mercy, woman... I sure wouldn't want to keep up with your collected intelligence! I don't even know how you do!
ReplyDeleteWell, *I* think you're pretty interesting :)
ReplyDeleteyou know the reason they are watching you is that post in the last week where you said you were a double agent...just saying...ha
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE RIGHT!
DeleteMy days look similar. I blame the internet for ruining my ability to concentrate, but in reality I think I'd be scatter brained with or without it.
ReplyDeleteThis is by far the funniest thing I've read about the whole data collecting debacle. Hats off to you!
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you CRR. It's all true, which is the delightful thing about imagining anyone wanting my cybersurveillance.
DeleteHa Ha! I know. My texts are a constant stream from daughters checking in, I'm here..headed home..here...headed home : )
ReplyDeleteThis cracked me up. Esp the part about checking Twitter & Facebook as if looking for something frantically. I do that all.the.time!
ReplyDeleteLet 'em watch. I'll be sure to text a picture of me eating ice cream out of the container, wearing only my spanx and a stained dress shirt.Sure to cause an international incident or put them off surveillance forever.
ReplyDeleteOMG. I LOVE THIS. I went to Goodwill and got some relly cute capri pants. Adult daughter says she worries that Goodwill clothing might have fleas. Taking capri pants back. NSA, some people just aren't worth tracking! Molly C
ReplyDeleteI would LOVE your cybersurveillance tapes. I WOULD LOVE THEM.
Deleteyou crack me up. this is exactly me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we ought to flood the web with as much inane detail as possible, just to keep them confused.
ReplyDeletebahahahaha! Before I launched into your timeline I was thinking about how bored anybody doing surveillance on me would be...oh no, wait! My 15 year old surfs porn, so there's that for the surveillance people's entertainment.
ReplyDeleteYOUR weblife is a thing of ridiculous beauty. xo
DeleteI love this! Especially how Target called to check on you since they have been open for three minutes and you are still not there!!!! I feel that way with my grocery store!! Thanks for a very well needed laugh!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I love that I made you laugh. xo
DeleteMaybe there would be a decline in so-called reality TV if word got out just how interesting our days are...if instead of waiting for blog posts we had the surveillance feeds!
ReplyDeleteBotulising. I can go to sleep happy now. To botulism. By the way, I do a lot of shuttle runs between cash registers and my car because I also whip out the library card at the grocery store, or the Kohl's card at the library. All because I'm too lazy to lug the purse with all the ID around. My internet history is an embarrassment of time-suckage. Now I have that same paranoia of being watched that I used to in department store dressing rooms. Not that I'm going to get caught committing an actual crime, but that someone would see me do something horrifying, like trying out a dance move or looking up the lyrics to Copacobana. Must clear head: "Botulising." Better now.
ReplyDeleteYou are so cute. xo
DeleteI can only hope to accomplish as much in one week as you do in one day. Carry on, good woman.
ReplyDeleteATTEMPTS at accomplishing, Susan. ATTEMPTS. xo
DeleteWell if this isn't a paranoid person's dream?!!
ReplyDeleteMy Dad told me about this crap yesterday. Lord.
I'm glad, like you, they will be totally bored unless I'm talking about the supposed camera in my neighbor's plastic lawn owl ornament that is tracking my every move...because I was right.
PS. I ordered a coffee once and didn't have the 1.60 so I had to buy a dozen donuts because I couldn't justify using debit for that small amount...bwhahaha...kidding. I was hungry.
IT'S ALL TRUE! Kim! Right down to the cameras watching you try to take 20 bucks out of a zero balance checking account. xo
Deletewell, I say they'd be pretty well entertained! :)
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!! This is pretty awesome. I feel as though our routines are fairly similar. I really hope no one is paying attention to my Google searches and things. Also, I had to search for the Ron Yee affair. I had NO idea!
ReplyDeleteYou make me laugh, Charlotte. ALSO: I'm still waiting for your address!! You won the penguin notecards from Miss You When I Blink!!!
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