As Big and As High As Possible (Now with Secret Steps)

The higher the hair, the closer to God.

That's the reason the South gives for their coiffed poufs. I have three Midwestern reasons for my tallifying production here: one white can of Paul Mitchell Freeze-n-Shine, one purple Conair blow dryer with a concentrator nozzle, and one boar bristle (eeewww gross) wooden-handled Goody round styling brush.

Also, soooper important over everything else: young, strong, taut, tireless arms. Super important. You've got nothin' without tireless.

My silver lining today, which was so much appreciated considering the work I've been doing since this week-end, that of sorting through every envelope, every book, every folder, every box, of my mother's -- was finding a 1980's hair gone high photo of myself.

The hair, frozen in place by Mr. Freeze and his ray gun himself, stands so innocently youthful, strong, confident and assured, with no idea just how abnormal a look this is on this planet.

Hair just doesn't do this.

I would wake at 6:30 a.m., step into the shower at 5 foot 6 inches, step out, produce the hair monument, and 5 foot 8 inches of me would slide into the driver's seat of my maroon Toyota Corolla, scrunching down in my seat all the way to work, so to not risk messing the bump.

What boggles my mind more than the hairdo here, is that I'd check off on it. Giving myself one last once-over before heading out in the morning, I would stop and look in the mirror, with eyes in far better shape than the eyes of mine today, smile at what I saw, cock a knowing index finger at my reflection, and be on my way, head held high (and hair).

You can just feel the safety-pinned jeans around your ankles, can't you?

xo

**You have all been beyond words with your private messages, emails, cards, and texts. To say you make a difference is an understatement. THANK YOU. Sorting my mother's items has been just what I need... and as sad as her passing is, I'm wild about old books, old magazines, and finding notes, photos, inscriptions... it's like being with her every day again.

Thank you for all the caring. 

Now, as promised, the Secret Steps to Hair High Heels:

1. Towel dry hair so it's semi wet.
2. Bend over and dry bangs upside down with blow dryer at highest setting, ignore the pounding heart and dizziness that begin in minute ten.
3. Stretch and pull bangs around twirling round boar bristle styling brush, moving in direction of back of the head. Burn Dry and pull until you feel yourself almost snatched bald-headed. 
4. When bangs crispy as well done bacon, spray while upside down with Freeze spray ray gun. Helps to have bathroom fan on for ventilation and ease of breathing. Try not to think of future with COPD.
5. Hang head for 2 or 3 minutes more. Steady self with hand on sink.
6. With as little movement as possible, slowly bring head back up. Done to prevent hair volume loss as much as to prevent orthostatic BP changes.
7. Kiss mirror, and walk out the door, two inches taller.

**If you do this, it will work.
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