I have three children, all boys, and I am thrilled without regret, to be their mother.
I don't pretend I'm happy with boys, I
am happy with boys. I would have been happy with all girls, too, or with a mix of girls and boys. I just wanted children, since little on. I have wanted to be a mother always.
My children are growing up, as children do, no matter how we try to press them down and keep them small by squishing them in tiny beds (like you don't...) they grow up. I've now entered my 18th year as a mother of all boys, and I've kept mental notes along the way. While driving this morning, the mental list was getting too long to keep track of, so I'm writing it down here. My blog, my open journal, my source of connection, and a bridge to others...
I'm grateful for this space here, and for those who read and share with me. Please take what you feel fits in your life from my list here, and add what you've found is your nugget of wisdom. Let's all help each other with this parenting gig, hmmm?
What I Believe Boys Need From Their Moms (and children in general)
Teach your boys to respect women and how to treat women. Women on
the average are physically smaller and shorter than men, but this is only the
physical. Mentally, and person value wise, women are equal to men. It
sounds ridiculous to have to teach this, but it's what we as mothers need to do. I turn off
commercials that show women as less than capable or inferior or needy, because actions speak louder than words. I
comment on magazine covers or ads that show women feeble and
manipulative. I am now the second shortest person in my house, there are
three taller than I am, and only the 5th grader has to look up to me when
he speaks, but my voice in this house carries weight, because I have
never backed down from issues or made myself appear as anything less
than physicall and mentally able. Is this the first and longest and most run on paragraph in
this post? Yes, it is, because this one is the most important of what
boys need from their mothers.
Some boys will not want to talk as much as you do. Very possibly true. You may feel the need to ask and jump to the emotional right away, they may not. You know your child, his eyes will tell you if he needs some nudging to talk more. Otherwise, if they want to be left alone for awhile, try and oblige and give them that distance. Always with one eye to their hearts, open.
Say nice things to them. They may roll their eyes, but it still sounds like honey on toast. Drop them off at school with a "Knock 'em dead, handsome," and a "Whoa! Here's some sunglasses for those lethal blue eyes!" They'll think you're a cornball, but inside, they love to hear someone is that gaga over them.
Always always always and always, let them know how glad you are they were born. No matter what. Never say you can't wait till they're gone or they move out or leave for college. No matter what the day has been like, NEVER say that.
Tell them you love them, and like them. At least twice a day. Via phone, text, email, notes left on the kitchen table, it all counts.
Teach them how to graciously give, and receive, an apology, by modeling it yourself.
You're the sentinel at the internet gate. Have your household screens password protected and be the administrator for downloads/uploads on their electronics. Censoring? You bet it is. What they fill their minds with, stays. While you're in control, plant the seed of a conscience.
Monitor their time on screens with a timer.
Remind them that they exist because the world demands their presence in it, please, take part in your world, children.
Be visible in their schools or extra curricular activities. They feel pretty proud when it's their mom reading in front of the classroom, or teaching Sunday school, or the one on Friday afternoons teaching JA, or the boy scout leader, or the forensics coach. Parents are needed in so many places in and out of school. Don't let the same ones always be doing the same work, you get on in there. Your boys will beam that it's you.
Find out who their teachers are, the people they eat lunch with, and what they have for homework. Ask them about one of these things, every day.
I'm writing this paragraph again, it's the most important one. Teach your boys to respect women and how to treat women. Women are, on the average, physically smaller and shorter, but this is only the physical. Mentally, and person value wise, women are equal to men. It sounds ridiculous to have to teach this, but it's what we as mothers have to do. I turn off commercials that show women as less than capable or inferior or needy, because actions speak louder than words. I comment on magazine covers or ads that show women feeble and manipulative. I am now the second shortest person in my house, there are three taller than I am, and only the 5th grader has to look up to me when he speaks, but my voice in this house carries weight, because I have never backed down from issues or made myself appear as anything less than physically and mentally able. Is this the first and longest and most run on paragraph in this post? Yes, it is, because this one is the most important of what boys need from their mothers.
Remind them to wear their seat belt. Every day, every time they leave. Say, "Please wear your seat belt. It's safer that way." Don't forget.
Ask them what they'd like more of, from you.
Talk to them about drugs, alcohol and sex, even if that's not your thing. Tell them what drugs do to a young person's brain and body, tell them what alcohol does to a young person's brain and body, and tell them what too early sex does to a young person's heart and soul. Also say, "Just because you're physically able to do something doesn't mean you should."
Teach them the difference between assertive and aggressive, by showing them how to ask for things they want. Model the behavior of cooperation seeking, rather than bullying and tell them that asking for something is the best way to get it. Reassure them in their attempts and encourage them to speak up for themselves. You can begin this with their interactions with teachers, and later on when talking for themselves at Dr. appointments.
Congratulate them on their accomplishments, attempts, grades, projects, events, races, meets, competitions, papers, debates. Tell them you're proud, you see the work they did, and how impressed you are with their dedication and self direction. Never take the good in them for granted or as a given.
Let them know your expectations. Set the bar as one of value, perseverance, effort, and challenge. Share your stories of when you pushed beyond your comfort zone, and how you triumphed, or not. Let them know that it's in the push that we see the glory. And the glory, is in the effort.
Have to say the obvious here -- let them know the tried and true of Do your best, Work your hardest, Honor your commitments.
Smile often, and tell them how much you enjoy being their mother. They don't need to know about the intricacies of your adulthood, just let them know being their mother is the highlight of your life here.
Don't think you don't matter. OH BOY, you matter. Attend any of their events when you can. When they see your face there, they have to stop themselves from bursting into a full grin. Even if you don't see it. That's what I tell myself, "Oh if he could smile that pearly smile right now, he so would."
If they act like they don't need you, it's because they don't. Not always. Take your cue, assess the situation. Look into their eyes and read between the lines of their voices. They're biologically wired to seek independence and lead, but a well placed, kind, "Just let me know, I'm right here," is a reassuring encouragement for new endeavors.
Boys are the opposite sex of what their moms are. They're not our carbon copies, remember this when you have times when you can't understand them. Hormonally and biologically, they're not female. The hormones testosterone and estrogen have separate purposes.
Make your house an emotionally safe, accepting place. Promise them you will always listen, then never break that promise. Whatever they come to you with, zip your lip, and listen. If you want your children to come to you and speak freely and openly, they've got to trust you.
Make your house a physically safe place. Don't invite danger in. In all its forms.
Take a deep breath before reactions. Don't think parent/child, think human/person to person. This is especially important when they get older.
Squeeze in the little things they like, do it. Whatever it is. Sometimes that means getting up earlier, going to bed later, not finishing that book like you want to, but make the pumpkin bread that he loves in the fall. Fifty minutes of your time, but he smiles when he knows what he sees when he comes home from school.
Loving your boys physically, verbally, emotionally, will not make them mama's boys. It'll just make them feel secure that they matter in this world.
Teach them to value themselves and every bit of themselves. Let them hear you say over and over, "Don't give yourself away lightly."
Find a common hobby. Bike riding? Walks? Trips to the library? Reading books silently side by side? Looking through cookbooks? Seeing scifi movies together? Watching soccer plays of the week? Tennis at the playground or against the garage door? You can find something. Don't give up.
Guide them into independent decision making. Ask them what they think and why. Tell them you trust what they'll do, and let them own that decision.
Teach them to not waste water, use leftover water to water plants, and turn off the shower while you soap up. Give them a conscience about what needs to be treated with wonder and respect.
Tell them they can call you anytime, from anywhere, if they find themselves in a place/condition that is not right. You'll come, no questions asked, you'll fly there faster than Superman. Stick to that promise.
"Accept your child for who he is, and watch him blossom." I've kept this in my heart, ever since my children were bitty toddlers and I read it in a parenting magazine. "Accept your child for who he is, and watch him blossom."
I keep those words at the ready, every day, and it's the filter I speak through.
So much love to all you parents. xo
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