I'm trying to sleep tonight, but a lump in my throat keeps me awake. Tomorrow, is here. The morning that I've put out of my head, preferring to not think about, has come. I'll drive my oldest son to school today for the last time. After that, he leaves in just ten weeks for his own life. I shake my head at the unreality of reality and keep saying to myself, 18 years? That was no 18 years -- someone's lying.
Life overwhelms me right now. The feelings of love and attachment too large to contain that they push against my heart and throat. I try to keep them in this week and they look for any way out, springing tears from my eyes or making the sound of my voice like a tight string. As if I'm girding up against a watershed of emotion that will flatten me.
Today is his last day of school from a place where he's been every morning that I've woken up. I am disoriented, muddled, in the daze of a new land. I am proud, thrilled, intoxicated, delighted, grateful, honored, at having been his mother.
This morning is like that day when he was first placed in my arms, swaddled tight, and it felt like a ceremony. Like the world was trusting me with the most important thing on the planet. The warmth and weight of him surprised me. I looked down at his face, so in love with him, wanting to say
I'm your mom
You're my son
My mouth opened and closed, croaking out nothing, only tasting the salt of my tears instead.
I love you, Alec. I love you, so much. This life passes quickly, though I can't say it sneaks up on us. I've been looking over my shoulder these years, knowing this day was always there. Thank you, my son, this time of you as my little boy, has been the most wonderful of my life.
*Here is the little man above, today:
* * *
Oh tears.
ReplyDeleteSuch a big milestone for the both of you. xo
Your love expressed so beautifully. It penetrates my own heart and stirs mirrored memories of having gone through that exact same emotion with both of my two oldest sons. HOW it hurts. I know. I feel for you. Be proud indeed. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's a huge milestone. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIn less than 2 weeks my adopted son turns 21 - I can't believe it - 21 (ours for almost 20 yrs)
I hope his birth mother thinks of him on that day.
oy this is almost as rough as that first day of school sending them off on their own....smiles....you know he will be fine...you taught him well, i am sure....
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling all of the feelings while reading this. Sending hugs your way. I'll need them back next year at this time.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful that you share your worship of the privilege of mothering and being alive in general. You are radiant and strong. Congratulations to all of you.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
ReplyDeleteIt's terribly hard to realize our kids have grown. I'm seriously considering homeschooling the girl for college.
On the plus side, they'll always need us. Not the least reason being for us to do their laundry.
So many hugs...so many congratulations.
ReplyDeleteYou did it, hon.
xo
Ah, my goodness, everyone. I dropped him off and I barely made it out of the school's driveway before the sobs broke open. This is tough... but why would anything this wonderful be easy?
ReplyDeleteOf course you're breaking wide open. You're deeply linked to this man, who is both baby and amazing citizen. He's too big to carry, though that's exactly what you need. It's a great tragedy that if you do a great job as a parent, and prepare your child to be their very best adult, they go off...and do it themselves. He's an amazing man, and you're still his mom. But how dare he grow up?
ReplyDeleteI can't know your deep schism today, but I can empathize: Hooray, enjoy your milestones! WAIT stay here!
Big hugs, much love, and deep reverence for the 18 years you've spent doing your absolute best. The world is better because you raised those three boys and yourself to be so giving, kind, smart, and full of heart.
Oh, my good golly.
ReplyDeleteI can't even.
I can't imagine. Sending love during this major milestone for your amazing son.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.
ReplyDeleteIt was my chant when Sheldon went to college, and you know what, eventually it was. She graduated 2 years ago from ASU and we are now closer then ever, even now that she live 2500 miles away.
Alexandra you are the one that has gotten me through the past few weeks , I have been grateful, proud and tear free remembering how lucky I am to have these boys in my life.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often during my day and remind myself of how to be a good mom, how to give roots and wings, how to hug and honor and discipline with a light touch.
I want to congratulate Alec, but I also want to congratulate YOU for being who you are and for raising the young man you have. You've made the world better by giving us a man like Alec. Love you.
Oh gosh, that whole give them roots and wings things just popped into my head, and I promptly cried it away! Congratulations to you and your beautiful boy...I have one year left to practice something that resembles more of a smile than a deranged crazy face. Don't forget your tissues!
ReplyDeleteOh, I teared up watching Alec...he's brilliant and wise and compassionate beyond his years.
ReplyDeleteI have no words - I can only try and imagine what you are feeling now. I am so proud of both you and Alec. May I have such an amazing relationship with my son. Much, much love to both of you!!!
Very sweet. I have a few years to go before my oldest does this, but five years is a blink. Who knew.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, everyone. Your words, your friendship, your heartfelt thoughts for all of us at this time. THis is such a private moment, and yet so public... this child that you have, and if you do your job right, they're off. And you have to be proud, but your heart... how it wishes just for one of those days back when you carried them in your arms. We are so proud and excited for him, and he can't wait to start on his dreams.
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