The Mind Works to Forget

Just two years ago today, my mother died.

And along with her going, she took culture, my history, my stories, and memories. Her passing also made me no one's child any more.

Today was a struggle, and I couldn't find the steam to operate the basics.

I tried to do all that I usually do in my days. The run to the supermarket, the back to school errands, some time out for fun with my kids. But from the time my eyes popped open surprisingly early at 6:45 AM, I have felt foggy, slow, unable to hear right or see right. And vulnerable.

It's so much like a day back in 7th grade when a boy knocked me down with a push to my chest. I flew, landing on my elbows but my head falling back and smacking on ice. I heard a deep clonking thud. Stunned, I looked up to find a faceful of kids around me. I knew, but still tried to understand what had happened.

Last night before I went to bed, I prepped myself. I knew that I would wake up to this being the two year mark of my mother's death. I closed my eyes and gave myself a pep talk. I would brace myself and make it through August 5. I had survived the first year of firsts, surely, year #2 couldn't be any harder.

I made plans to visit my mother's grave with my children in the morning. We would take the roses she wrote she wanted to have close by, always. One by one, we would place the flowers and say a prayer and then it would be back home to roll up my sleeves and dig into the day.

But as my friend, Christy, told me last month, the body remembers what the mind works hard to forget. I gave in at 3:00 PM today. I told my kids I was going to go upstairs and to not worry, I was going to take a long hot shower. Beyond the daily six minutes of hot water use we allow for each of the five in our house. I held my face up to the warm water and it felt like noonday sun. I lifted my hands to scrub my hair when I hit upon a tender spot on my scalp. I stopped and slowly felt the bump on the back of my head. I had forgotten about it.

It was from this morning. It was early, but I had been half awake for most of the night so I thought I could get up but my arms felt too heavy. I changed my mind and let myself lean back against the bed. In the darkness, the back of my head fell hard against the headboard. As soon as I heard the dull whack of skull against surface, I recognized the sound. It was that same shock of a thud from so many years ago. I looked out, confused, knowing but still trying to understand what it was that happened.

"The body remembers, even when the mind works not to.”

 

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